You're Despicable Because I Love You
by the Lovely Lucinda
Summary: Experiment: If you mix a Lily obsessing boy named James, and a James hating girl named Lily, what do you get? Result: a somewhat humorous fanfic of course! Currently on indefinite hiatus
1. Birds of a Feather

**You're Despicable Because I Love You**  
by the Lovely Lucinda

Disclaimer: It's all J.K. Rowling's: if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be writing this...

Chapter one:  
Birds of a Feather

"Potter!"

Ah, music to my ears: for, hark! That is the call of the rare bird Evansannoyedius, a very beautiful specimen indeed. And it just so happens that this particular Evansannoyedius is marching down the stairs of the girls dormitory holding a crumpled piece of paper, her vivid red hair literally smoking at the tips as it curls around her face. Her robes were rather burnt at the edges, and her beautiful face was contorted with rage as she barreled across the room, heading straight for me.

Oh, dear. I'm sensing that I'll be a little delayed in getting to breakfast this morning.  
Maybe some macho suaveness will help the situation.

"Morning Evans." I said, in as suave macho manner I as can possibly muster. My voice was deeper than usually and my face was illuminated attractively by the morning sunlight (I should know because I can see my reflection in the window...And I look good!). "Something the matter?" At this my left eyebrow raises in a quizzical yet strikingly dashing manner (it took me ages to perfect that move).

The beautiful, no, make that drop-dead-to-die-for-goregous-incredibly-witty-and-intelligent-love-of-my-life-who-hates-my-guts 16 year old girl who stood fuming (literally) in front of me, spat on the floor.

Meet Lily Evans: the girl of my dreams. Funny, intelligent, hates me with a passion, and incredibly gorgeous. She was tall, but not taller than me, with long slender legs that were hard not to look at when classes got boring. Her thick red hair was all one length and reached her shoulders, where the ends curled attractively. She had almond shaped green eyes that during classes were interested and focused, but now seemed to be shooting daggers at me.

"Don't give me any of your "Morning Evans", you despicable egotistical moron!" The lovely, and yet oh so feisty girl said. Around us other students were heading down to breakfast. I tried to look not completely starved as I spoke to Evans.

"What's wrong? Did the baby get up on the wrong side of the bed?" I asked, in a mock-baby voice, casually rumpling my black hair so that it was (I thought) attractively messy.

Evans stomped her foot loudly on the floor. "Aargh!" She yelled. "Potter, I hate you! You bloody well know what's wrong! You're the one who sent me that letter in the first place! That letter with the stupid message that said that your passion for me is like a 'raging fire!' That stupid letter that you charmed to burst into fire in some delusional expression of your feelings of your bloody love for me, but really it just caught my hair on fire so that now I look like some kind of deranged monster from hell!" She crossed her arms, glaring furiously at me.

Beside me, lounging on the sofa, Padfoot muttered "I like deranged monsters from hell..." I kicked his shin. He was obviously not going to be of help in this situation.

Standing up, so that she could better see all glorious six feet, two inches of me, I smiled charmingly (I thought) at Evans. "Sorry to hear that you didn't like my metaphorical visualization of my deep passion for you." Honestly though, I was surprised. I thought it had been a good idea. Even Peter thought it was good.

Evans smiled back at me. I felt my stomach drop out. Wow, is she gorgeous. She stepped closer to me, twisting a lock of her fiery hair around a finger.

"Is that really how you feel about me, Potter?" She asked sweetly, leaning in closely to me. I almost fell over out of surprise: suddenly all my dreams were coming true. Lily Evans was standing close in front of me, and she wasn't shouting! In her face, her eyes seemed to glint with some hidden emotion, undoubtedly her deep affection for me.

Dumbly I nodded at her. I seemed to have swallowed my tongue in shock.

"Well," Evans continued softly, "Then let me tell you how I feel about you." She reached seductively inside her robes. My eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets. Then in a bang and a flash of bright light I found myself hanging upside down ten feet above the floor.

Sirius, along with everyone else in the common room, burst out laughing as they watched me struggling in the air trying to pull my robes up around my Tweety boxers. I glanced over at the common room door and saw Evans marching into the hall, a triumphant expression on her face as she tucked her wand back into her pocket.

**A/N**: So, what did you think? Was it good, bad, funny, dumb? This is my first fanfic ever, so any comments would be deeply appreciated! I am so excited to have finally posted a story! Please, please R&R!

--Lucinda


	2. A Morning of Ignoring and Shouting

**Chapter 2: ****  
****A Morning of Ignoring and Shouting ****  
**

**Disclaimer: **It's all mine… Um, except for the stuff J.K. Rowling created first.

_James, darling, why are you stopping? We've barely begun our story._

_I don't feel like telling_ _any more. Why don't you tell it for a while? _

_Oh, James, there you go again. You're reverting back to your old state of laziness from when you were a teenager. _

_Lily _

_What? _

_I don't like being dead! I want to be down there, fighting Voldemort! _

_And I want to be with Harry. But it's for Harry that we're telling this story, remember? We wanted him to know all about us, even though we're gone. _

_Right, well, being dead's not much fun. Sitting on clouds eating pinapple all day is starting to get kind of repetive and boring! _

_Then, think of this as a way to break the monotony. _

_Okay. But, now you get to tell the story for a while. I'm going to eat some more pinapple._..

"Honestly, Lils. Why did you have to go and hex him? You could have just laughed it off. Now you've endangered his position as the school's macho heartthrob."

I poured myself another cup of pumpkin juice, resolutely ignoring my best friend's delusional ramblings. Clearly she was under an enchantment of some kind, you know, the kind that makes someone suffer temporary insanity, because there's no way anyone in their right mind would ever defend Potter. Rolling my eyes I looked down at our new class schedule, blocking out the insane ranting coming from my left.

It looked like the best class I had today was Charms. I loved Transfiguration and Potions as well, but Charms was fun. Ever since my first year at Hogwarts, when all magic had seemed a miracle to me, Charms had captivated me with the excitement of enchanting objects. To me, Charms had always been the most real kind of magic, the kind that I had first imagined when I first recieved my Hogwarts letter.

"--And I think that you're just suffering from denial." Margaret finished loudly, two and a half minutes later, pounding the table for emphasis.

I had fiinished reading my schedule and was now reading Advanced Transfiguration for the N.E.W.T. Student, a very good book that helped to make clearer the more confusing aspects of N.E.W.T. Transfiguration. While I read, I continued to ignore Margaret. I was sick of people talking about how smart and witty and handsome and altogether wonderful James Potter was. When would they see him for the self-absorbed rude prat that he was?

"Lily? Hello? Are you even listening to me?" Margaret waved her hand in front of my face. She rolled her light brown eyes in frustration. "Kat, she's ignoring me again!"

Still not paying attention I felt someone sit down to my right.

"Good Morning Lily!" I spit out a bit of orange as I was squeezed in a rib-cracking hug. Looking around I saw it was Katherine, another best friend. She released me smiling. "Lily is it true that you like Peter? Because you know that---"

I pushed her away from me and pretend to gag. "Eew! Who is spreading that disturbing falsehood?"

Katherine giggled. "No one, but I thought that would make you pay attention."

"Make me lose my breakfast more like." I responded. There was no way I would ever like Peter Pettigrew. I tried to be nice to him since he had a hard time in most classes, but I would never like him that way. He was too, well, too Peter.

Glancing over at Katherine I saw her gazing dreamily into space, her deep blue eyes wistfully looking out into the distance. Her thin short dark brown hair sparkled with the morning sunlight streaking in from the giant windows. Her whole face was lit up with a romantic yearning. Hopefully she wasn't thinking of Peter. Or Potter for that matter.

"Katherine," I said hesitantly, since she had always had a different taste in guys then me, "You weren't sitting there dreaming about Pettigrew, were you? I mean 'cuz that's a little desperate, even for you."

Kat shook her head and smiled sentimentally. "No, but Pettigrew reminded me of James, and he's so hot, I couldn't help but daydream about him for a moment."

I spat out a piece of toast in disgust. "Potter! That's even worse than Pettigrew! Potter is the most egotistical showoff on the face of the earth!"

"Aw," said Katherine, "don't say that. I think he's sweet, but don't worry. I don't think about Potter too much. I mean, since he's so obsessed with you, no one else really stands a chance, you know?"

"Um," I began awkwardly, "Potter isn't sweet, and he doesn't like me--he's just...he's just..." but for some reason I couldn't seem to find the right words to describe how much I disliked Potter. As I bent down to finish my breakfast, I saw Margaret and Katherine exchanging meaningful glances over my head.

"So, Lily," Margaret asked, thankfully turning the conversation off of Potter. "What do you think about Dumbledore's speech last night?"

"Which part?" I asked. "The part where he reminded us to be especially gracious to Professor Hornby as the new defense teacher, or the part where he announced bedtime with the words 'Shnitzle, Rumba, Squeak-Ba'?"

Margaret and Katherine snorted with laughter. "Not that part, you weirdo," smirked another friend, and Margaret's younger sister, Elise, sitting down next to Katherine. "Margaret, weren't you talking about, like, when Dumbledore said to look for a special surprise sometime this week at breakfast?"

"Of course," said Margaret. "What do you think it'll be Lily?"

"I'm hoping for a free day off classes," said Katherine.

"I was hoping for all day quidditch practice," sighed Elise.

"Maybe we get to have a check-out-hot-guys-day," Margaret suggested.

We all laughed, except for Elise who at a sometimes immature fourteen was still trying to pretend that all guys were evil and that to like them was a sign of the apocalypse. We all knew she had crushes, but she was too shy to tell us who they were. At this point, though, she was more interested in kicking Slytherin's butt in Quidditch, hence the desire for an all day Quidditch practice.

_And a good thing it was that she was so into Qudditch, cuz we needed her! She and I were the only good ones on the team that your, d'you remember? You know, I remember this one game where Elise and I basically played all seven positions... And still won the game! _

_James! You interrupted my narrative! _

_Sorry. I was just adding flavor to the story! _

_Well, go add flavor to some one else's story. Now I 've lost my train of thought! _

_Quidditch! _

_No, it was um... Oh, yeah! I remember... __  
_  
Of all my friends I was the only one who seemed to have a serious idea of what "the surprise" might be. "Well, I think that it's going to be---" but I never finished my sentence because at that moment I was rudely interrupted by one of my least favorite people in the world. That's right. The insufferable, self-possessed, crude, ugly, mean-spirited, disgusting James Potter.

"Oi, Evans. I want to talk to you," he began squeezing himself onto the bench between  
me and Katherine, but I turned immediately to talk to Margaret, pointedly ignoring Potter.

Meet James Potter: my worst nightmare. He was tall, with constantly messy black hair. His hazel eyes, which unfortunately were usually staring at me, were hidden behind round metal glasses. He was annoying and full of himself, and unfortunately had liked me apparently since our first year at Hogwarts. I couldn't stand the way he acted like he was the coolest thing in the world. His constantly asking me out annoyed me so much, that I had begun to try and pretend he didn't exist whenever he came near. Which is why I was resolutely ignoring him.

"What did you think Transfiguration is going to be like today? I'm hoping that it'll be something new, and not review," I said quickly to Margaret, making a point of scooting away from Potter on the bench and closer to Margaret.

Margaret glanced over my shoulder Potter and smirked at me. She could tell I was ignoring Potter. "Well, I think that whatever we'll do, it probably be with partners." She smiled evilly at me. "And I think we all know how you want for your partner LIly. You know, you two are so cute together, have you started going out yet?" Margaret nodded over her shoulder at the egotistical prat sitting behind me who was deliberately rumpling his hair. When the git heard Margaret's words he leaned around me eagerly, as to my disgust, did Katherine, Elise and my second best friend Bridget who had just arrived.

"What did you just say, Jones?" Asked Potter, a fervent look on his face. "Hah! I knew you couldn't resist my manly charms, Evans. Now, will you go out with me as Jones so wisely suggested?"

"Sod off, Potter," I said, turning around to face him, but then I backed down the bench again. He was way too close for comfort. "Margaret is under a insanity charm at the moment" (She stuck her tongue out at me) "and as you can see is speaking in gibberish. Hasn't said a sane word in days, poor child. But, maybe you'd understand; isn't gibberish your native language? And no, I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and Argus Filch."

My friends laughed loudly. James looked highly affronted. "Between me and... and Filch?" He asked aghast.

"Well," I said loudly, so that the entire Gryffindor table could hear, "At least he doesn't wear Tweety bird undies." With that I gathered my books, and my friends and I left the Great Hall. Behind us we could hear riotous laughter, undoubtedly at James' expense, and James' shocked voice saying lamely "I like Tweety bird."

Laughing, my "posse" and I made our way up the marble staircase.

"Just who does she think she is?" I raged at my fellow Marauders as we made a speedy exit out of the Great Hall after Lily had made a particularly low comment about me involving my preference in boxers and Hogwarts' creepy caretaker.

"I don't know, mate," said Remus. "Maybe, hmm, could be crazy, but maybe she doesn't like you. Has that thought ever crossed your mind?" That's Remus, always the helpful one.

"Wow, gee, thanks Remus," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "That thought never occurred to me."

"Really?" Asked Peter, interestedly. "Because I've been thinking that she might not like you. I thought you'd figured it out too. "

I rolled my eyes at Sirius. "I was being sarcastic, Peter."

"Oh."

We rounded a corner and dashed through a picture of Lady Covenport of Amsterdam, the only half-human, half-poodle, and hurried up the corridor that lay behind her yippiness' portrait.

"James," Remus asked, "Shouldn't we be going south if we're trying to get to McGonagall's?" He checked his watch anxiously.

"Not, my wolfy friend," I replied, "If we're going to use that new passage we discovered last spring."

Sirius grinned. "Excellent."

Stopping abruptly in front of a stone wall, I walked straight through it and came out directly opposite McGonagall's room, where a short queue had already formed.

"Ooo, look there's James," said one excited girl, Janey Napoli, running forward to greet me with a large hug. "Can I be your girlfriend this term, Jamsie-poo?" I winked at her but quickly removed her arms from around my neck.

"Hellooo Sirius," said the blond and beautiful Denise Wehner. Tall and graceful she reached her arms out for Padfoot and began to rub his shoulders. "Have a good summer?"

"Ladies, ladies," I said, grinning broadly at Padfoot. "Try to restrain yourselves."

Next to me I heard someone snort. "I'll do my best," A familiar voice said spitefully.

I turned around slowly so that everyone would see my face looking inquiringly (yet dashingly so) at the origin of the spiteful remark. Facing my insulter, I saw (my heart skipped a beat) Lily standing in a huddle with two of her inseparable friends.

"Yes, do please try and refrain from showing emotion," I countered (casually running a hand through my hair to make it look windswept. The key was to mess up the hair (which I know makes me look gorgeous) while making at the same time, making it look like I didn't know how good I looked. I did this very well, of course). "We wouldn't want you to be mistaken for an actual human being," I snapped at Evans. Her friends glared at me. Didn't she go anywhere without them? She always had a little support group around her, which made it very inconvenient to talk (or shout) to her alone.

"Look, James," the curly-haired one, Bridget, began.

Lily interrupted her sharply. "Potter, why do you even bother opening your mouth? Everything that comes out is so stupid it's amazing that you can even walk and talk at the same time."

"Well, I'm sorry, Miss Perfect. You could actually try to be nice for a change." I said. Behind me I could hear Remus sigh exasperatedly. I heard Remus mutter "Not again!" But, Sirius was bouncing on his heels, whispering, "fight, fight, fight!" I stepped on his toe, paying careful attention to Evans.

Lily's green eyes narrowed. "Nice! I'm more than nice to plenty of people! You just don't merit being nice to! I try to be avoid being nice to people who think hexing innocent bystanders is fun!"

Now I was getting mad, too. Why did we always seem to get into a fight? Still, she was pretty attractive when she was angry; with her eyes all bright, and her hair abnormally vibrant. But I couldn't let that distract me. I'd been insulted. "Listen Evans, I'm so sick of hearing what you think! Why don't you listen to what other people think for once!"

"Oh, Yeah! Well, listen Potter, if you're calling me self-absorbed, then you must have no idea of the definition of the word! You are the most self-absorbed person I've ever met and I think that--"

"See?" I shot back, "There you go again! You only care about yourself, you're not half as nice as you think you are!"

Lily and I were now yelling at the top of our voices, the other students circled around us watching intently. Our respective friends were too used to our behavior, though, and were ignoring us.

"Potter, I couldn't care less what you think about me, so why don't you just--" At that moment the door of the classroom opened.

"Good morning," Professor McGonagall said. "I hope that you all are having an enjoyable morning. Miss Evans, Mr. Potter, so nice to see that you are on speaking terms this term."


	3. The Surprise

**Disclaimer:**   
1. It's not mine.  
2. It's not mine.  
3. oh, yeah, it's not mine.  
It's all J.K.R.'s.

By the time our first day back was through, it felt like we had never left. Already the teachers were burying us in homework; my friends and I were chumming around like we always did; and Potter and I had three loud shouting matches. It felt good to be home.

The rest of the week past quickly, full of gossip and homework and speculation about Dumbledore's surprise and of course, shouting at Potter.

It seemed like every moment I turned around there he was with his stupid messy hair, teasing a little first year, making up crude rhymes about Filch, or hexing Severus Snape. Of course as his fellow Gryffindor, and the only prefect in the school not afraid to put him in detention, I was constantly reprimanding Potter. Which for some reason he didn't seem to mind. It was infuriating: I would yell at him, he would yell back, we'd both walk away angry, but three minutes later (I timed him) he'd be back to usual annoying self. 

_Why thank you. ___

_You're not annoying now, but back then... Urgh! You used to make me so mad! ___

_Hmm, you know, I kind of picked up on that, funnily enough. Maybe it had something to do with you screaming at me every 27 minutes. ___

_I didn't... wait a minute! You timed me in between yelling spats? ___

_It was something to do. ___

_I don't believe it. ___

_Fine. I'm just going to eat some more pinapple. By the way, in seventh year you only yelled at me every 26.43 days._

_La, la, la, I'm ignoring you. I'm pretending that you didn't waste seven years of your life doing one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard of. I'm going back to the story... _

All my friends thought that I was suffering from denial, that I secretly loved Potter, but I knew the truth. I hated Potter! Hate is a strong word, but it was true for Potter, because he made me sick!

It was hard to ignore Potter, he was so loud and mean. But on the first Saturday back to school, something completely took my mind off Potter...

+   
"Hurry up, Margaret," called Katherine. It suddenly was the end of the first week. After all the homework we had been given, it felt like we had been at Hogwarts for weeks. Now we were hurrying down to breakfast with a wonderfully relaxing weekend stretching ahead of us. 

"Hurry up, Margaret!" Katherine repeated impatiently. Margaret was not a morning person, and so was slowly, and grumpily, making her way down the dormitory stairs into the common room. When Margaret finally reached the bottom stair I grabbed her arm and pulled her quickly out the portrait hole.

"Ugh. Remind me again why we're up at the break of dawn?" Complained Margaret, shaking her arm out of my grasp. "And why we're in such a hurry."

I exchanged an exasperated look with Elise. "Margaret, dearest," I said, my voice sweetly sarcastic. "Is the wittle cutie sweety-pie grumpy this morning?"

Margaret glared at me, pushing her long dirty blond hair behind her ears. She hated being made fun of, which made it so easy to do. "I am not a baby, Lily," she replied, "And I just don't like being up so early."

Elise laughed. She had been up since six, out running with me. Her dark red hair was slicked back into a high ponytail, and her large brown eyes were alert and peppy. "Early? It's seven thirty-six in the morning. That is not early."

"For a Saturday it is," Margaret shot back, trying to flick her sister's ear as we walked through the halls, the morning sunlight streaming in through the windows.

"Hey, stop bickering, you two," I said as we arrived at the Great Hall. "Let's just have some breakfast."

Since it was a weekend there were few students in the Great Hall. Most were still in bed, undoubtedly snoozing away, sweet dreams of no classes dancing in their heads. In fact there were only three people each at the Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables, and no one at the Slytherin table. Professor Dumbledore, his long white beard shining in the morning light, was the only teacher at the High Table. His long bright red robes (apparently embroidered with gold nifflers) shone noticeably from across the room. When he saw us enter the Great Hall, he smiled and waved.

"Good morning. I'm glad to see that not everyone in the school is still asleep," he called.

With the exception of Margaret, we all grinned at Professor Dumbledore. Sitting down at the Gryffindor table I immediately reached for a large plate of toast and my friends reached for plates of food, too. 

Twenty minutes later, as more students were beginning to trickle in for breakfast, Bridget looked up. "So, Lily," she asked, over a large plate of waffles, "What are we planning to do today?"

"I was hoping we could go for a swim in the lake," I replied, but didn't have a chance to say anything else, because at that moment Dumbledore stood up, banging on his glass with a spoon.

"My I have your attention, please," he called over the heads of the many students who were now seated around us. "It is time, being still the first week back to school, to announce the surprise that we," here he nodded at the few other teachers who were sitting with him, "have been planning." There was suddenly a great hush in the hall. I sat up straight listening intently to Dumbledore. To my disgust I saw Potter enter the hall at that moment, but I tried to ignore him as I listened to Dumbledore. "Although the entire school is not assembled here, those who are still asleep will just miss out on the fun." He winked at the sea of faces gazing up at him. "Remember, the early gnome gets the worm. And now, the moment that I am sure you have been waiting for..."

Dumbledore gestured dramatically with his left hand. A long piece of blank white paper drifted from the ceiling into his hand. "After much deliberation," Dumbledore continued, "Your illustrious teachers and myself, have decided that for one week the students will be given the task of running the school." There was an outbreak of excited talk at this. I looked around excitedly at my friends. We were all grinning hopefully. The babble of talk died out immediately, though, the moment Dumbledore began speaking again.

"This is an honor only available to older students," Dumbledore continued. "By older students I mean sixth year and up." Elise and Katherine immediately stood up in anger. They were fourth and fifth year students, respectively, but their age had never deterred them from hanging out with the older students. Now, though, it was clear that they wished they were older.

"That's not fair," shouted Katherine.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Miss Welch," said Dumbledore, smiling down at her, his blue his twinkling. "But the age limit is set." Dumbledore turned back to face the whole hall, and Katherine and Elise sat down disappointedly. "Now, then," Dumbledore said, "The positions that you will be filling are all the faculty and staff currently at Hogwarts. That means that only sixteen of you will be chosen." The sixth and seventh years in the Great Hall groaned. There were over one hundred sixth and seventh years, the odds of being chosen were slim (really they were almost nonexistent). 

Dumbledore waved the long sheet of paper in the air. "This," he said, "Will be placed on the wall outside the great hall. Those wishing to enter should write their names and the positions that you would most like to fill. All though you may sign up for as many positions as you wish, you will only be selected for one job. The results will be announced in exactly one week, and you will take over in six weeks from last Monday." He sat down again, leaving a very excited group of teenagers, practically buzzing with excitement.

+   
_James, what are you doing? ___

_Trying to see how many kumquats I can eat in 6 seconds. Apparently, now that I'm dead, my swallowing reflexes have gotten faster, so that my record right now is 23. ___

_You can swallow 23 kumquats in 6 seconds? ___

_Yep. ___

_That is so unbelievably... cool! Let me try! You tell the story for a while. ___

_Okay... _  
+   
"So, Prongs," asked Sirius as we made our way out of the Great Hall. "You gonna enter? Sounds like too much extra work to me."

I was about to reply in the affirmative, but at that moment a certain fiery haired (and fiery tempered) girl walked past. "Hide me," I moaned, ducking behind Remus and Peter. From between their robes I watched Evans walk past.

Once she was safely heading down the corridor, I straightened up and shouted at her retreating back, "Want to go out with me, Evans?" Then I cowered behind Remus again, rumpling my hair, as Evans looked around to see who had shouted. "Why are you laughing?" I asked Sirius, Remus and Peter as I stood up again.

"I'm laughing because they're laughing," replied Peter. "I didn't see anything funny, but they might have been amused by the fact that Dumbledore had pancakes with syrup on them for breakfast for four days in a row."

Totally nonplussed, I stared at Wormtail. "What! How is that funny. That's the most random piece of useless knowledge I could ever imagine." 

Moony rolled his eyes at me. "You're so dense sometimes James. We were laughing at you."

"Huh?" I looked at Remus and Sirius confused. "What'd I do that was so funny?" Spotting Evans returning back down the marble staircase, I dove head first behind Sirius, knocking him and Peter to the ground. I hurriedly pulled my robe over my head and lay very still on the floor.

From under my robe I could hear my friends laughing hysterically, and Evans' perplexed, yet sarcastic voice saying "Nice look Potter, very attractive." I flattened myself even further on the floor, pretending I was a rug. She must have talking to someone else. I mean, if I couldn't see her, then she couldn't see me, right? Hearing her footsteps walking away I cautiously raised my head, removing my robe from my head and stood up cautiously. She was heading up the marble staircase. "Come on, go out with me already, Evans!" I called to her, turning and tripping on my robe so that I fell onto the floor, as she stared at me, a look of utmost revulsion on her face.

Remus and Sirius were still laughing uproariously. "Prongs," gasped Sirius, weak with laughter, "You're hopeless."

+   
Remus and Sirius had stopped laughing long enough for us to go back upstairs and grab our brooms and head out to the Quidditch pitch. Once in the air, soaring through the sky with the wind in my air, I felt more alive than I had all summer. And gazing down at the tiny figures of Sirius and Peter wrestling with the bludgers gave me an idea. An excellent idea on how to get Lily Evans to like me. But I wasn't going to tell Remus. He might not approve. All I needed was a few grapefruits and a sheet, oh and about two dozen first years.  
_  
__Thirty-five. ___

_Huh? Thirty-five what? ___

_Kumquats. ___

_You can eat thirty-five kumquats in, in... ___

_Six seconds. 5.92 seconds actually. ___

_Lily, you broke my record? That's not fair! ___

_You're just gonna have to live with that. Hee, hee! ___

_But, how can I live with that... when I'm dead! ___

A/N: Okay, I know I haven't updated in a long time and I'm really sorry! But, I had my semester exams last week, and I had no energy at all. I'm back though, and still alive... I think.Let me know how I'm doing: reviews make me happy, and when I'm happy, I write more! And, oh yum! My dad just gave me a brownie and it looks really good and tasty and yummy and chocolately, so I'm going to eat it and post this tomorrow. Tomorrow I guess will be Monday…  
Ciao,   
Lucinda


	4. National Feed a Ferret Cheese Day

Chapter 4:  
National Feed A Ferret Cheese Day

**Disclaimer**: Jo (J.K. Rowling) owns it all. I do wish that I was a famous, rich, British author, though... Sadly I am none of those things. Especially the famous, rich, British part!

The morning was gray and rainy. Outside a cold mist hung in the air, enveloping everything in a depressingly wet blanket. Rain beat furiously against the windows, and thunder rumbled ominously in the distance.

It was, of course, a Monday.

"God, I hate school!" Moaned Katherine, pulling her blanket over her head as I tried to roll her out of bed.

"Come on, Kat," I said. "You're the last one of the posse asleep, and breakfast will be over in fifteen minutes. It's almost time for classes to start." I pulled the blankets off her and shoved hard against her skinny frame.

"I...Don't...Want...To...Get...Up!" Whined Katherine, grabbing her sheet as she slid off her bed. She lay on the floor curled in a ball, apparently almost asleep again.

"Oh, no you don't," I muttered. With a flick of my wand she was hanging upside down in the air.

Katherine screamed, rubbing her eyes blearily. "Alright, alright! I'm awake!" I carefully lowered her to the floor. "Geez, Lils," Kat complained, "You're so mean."

"Well," I countered, "How else am I supposed to wake you up so that you can get ready for the Sirius Black fan club meeting?"

"Why you little!" Shouting wordlessly, Katherine chased me out of her dormitory, as I giggled helplessly.

+ _  
__James. ___

_Mmm? ___

_What are you thinking? ___

_Huh? ___

_Well, you're not listening to me, and you're staring into space with a pondering smile that lingers slowly, leaving behind bittersweet regret and memories of good times. ___

_Well, geez, you don't have to write a novel out of my expressions. I was just thinking about that year. Our sixth year... ___

_Yes, James. The year that we're telling the story about. Tell you what. Why don't you relive some bittersweet rememberances, while I go say talk to... Who is that over there? ___

_That would be Merlin. ___

_Yeah, I'll go talk to Merlin, so that you can take a turn telling the story..._  
+   
"Well, well, well," sneered Severus Snape. "Looks like everyone's favorite mudblood is going to get a detention."

I shot him a withering glare, carefully throwing the cactus I was supposed to be turning into a duck, at ol' Snivvely. With my usual panache it him square in the face. "Don't call her that you slimy git," I whispered. "Besides," I continued, turning to the Marauders, "there's no way that McGonagall would put Evans in detention, right?"

"I don't know, mate," said Remus doubtfully. "Even if Evans is the top of the year, McGonagall isn't one to play favorites. But, I do wonder where she is. It's not like her to be late."

I was worried too. It was twenty minutes into Transfiguration before Evans showed up, banging the classroom door loudly as she ran into the room, panting slightly, her bag nearly falling off her shoulder. 

The whole class, myself included, looked up in interest as she skidded to a halt in front of McGonagall's desk.

"I am so sorry professor," began Evans, but she was interrupted by McGonagall.

"Say nothing of it Miss Evans, I suppose that you got stuck in one of the trick steps on the sixth floor staircase?"

"Erm," Evans looked puzzled for half a second before smiling gratefully at McGonagall and continuing, saying "oh, yes I was. Hate that stair, gets me every time. Thanks for understanding."

McGonagall nodded, but as Evans headed toward the desks she called, "Miss Evans, if that stair ever causes you to be late again, I'll have to put you in detention, do you understand?"

Settling herself between her two infuriating friends, who wouldn't move over, so that the empty seat would be next to me, Evans nodded. "Won't happen again professor. Sorry." When McGonagall turned away, Evans looked at her friends with a satisfied smile on her face. 

Watching her closely I saw her friends bend toward her, whispering interestedly.

"What really happened?" Asked the cute one with the dirty blond hair, I think her name was Margaret. Cute, but it was hard to judge any girl when Evans was around. Evans made every girl look ten times less beautiful.

Evans looked around furtively and saw me observing their conversation. She glared furiously at me, but I smiled jauntily, giving her a big wave. "Not, here," she hissed. "I'll tell you later."

+   
"James," asked Peter several minutes later, as the bell rang. "How could Evans get stuck on a trick stair on the sixth floor? The sixth floor doesn't even have any trap stairs."

"Well, Peter," I said sarcastically, hurriedly stuffing my books into my bag, eager to go do more Evans-Watching, "Maybe Evans has her own personal staircase on the sixth floor that only gives her a trip stair when it's National Feed A Ferret Cheese Day."

Peter nodded knowingly. "That would make sense," he said seriously. 

Remus, Sirius and I carefully avoided each other's gaze.

+   
_And how was Merlin? ___

_He is the most boring old coot I have ever met! ___

_Lily, he's the most famous British magician ever! ___

_I know, but he's totally self-possesed. Hmm... Makes me think of you, actually, as a teenager. ___

_I wasn't self-possesed. I just had a-- ___

_An over inflated ego? ___

_I was going to say that I recognized my own coolness, but if you want to be cruel, go ahead. Well, with that in mind, I think I'd like to hear your perspective for a while... ___

+   
"So, Lily," asked Bridget, as we walked up the stairs to Charms. "Why were you late to McGonagall's. You're never late. To anything!" 

I glanced around the crowded hall, checking to see that none of the so-called Marauders were listening.

"Well," I replied, "It took me forever to wake Katherine up."

"Why didn't you just let her sleep?" asked Margaret.

I rolled my eyes. "Because I wasn't about to let her get a detention for being late to class."

Margaret smirked at me. "Late to class like you were?"

"No!" I glared at her as we strode up the staircase. "Waking Katherine up wasn't all that happened. I had a good reason for being late. Oh, no." I walked faster up the stairs, forcibly restraining myself from shouting at a certain black haired boy, who appeared to be trailing me. "But, why don't we wait till tonight for me to tell you?"

Margaret shook her head at me. "You're stalling. What was your good reason? How come you missed almost half of Transfiguration?" 

"Look, this isn't really the best place to talk about it."

Bridget looked around, as we weaved through the crowds of students making their way to classes. "Lily, we're in a busy school corridor, no one's going to pay any attention, or overhear you."

"I'm more worried," I said, glancing over my shoulder, "at the deranged mutant freaks behind us, overhearing."

Margaret looked behind us. "Aw, Lily, that's not a very nice thing to call Dumbledore and Hagrid. I know they can be odd, but---"

I interrupted her sharply, "not them, you nitwit! The other deranged mutant freaks behind us." I threw her and Bridget a significant look, one that said my-least-favorite-people-in-the-whole-world-who-makes-my-life-ridiculously-miserable-are-behind-us-trying-to-listen-to-our-conversation. 

Fortunately, they got the message. "Oh," said Bridget, her eyes widening. "Do you mean the deranged mutant freaks whose name's rhyme with Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew?"

As I nodded, I heard James whisper from behind us, "Shh, they're talking about us."

Lupin's voice drifted over to us as he said, "James, she just called us mutant freaks, which is a tad redundant, as they both mean a monstrosity, but quite obviously, you are not going to overhear anything you didn't know already."

James whispered back, "Yeah, but she's still talking about me." He sighed loudly and dramatically. "Do you think in Lily-Language, a monstrosity is sexy?"

I rolled my eyes at my friends, and we hurriedly sped off to Flitwick's room. Potter was so annoying, but he made it so easy to avoid him. 

+   
"Now, remember, don't tell anyone, please!" I said to my friends as we al sat crammed onto a couch in the common room. It was almost dinner time and I had just finished telling my "posse" why I had been so late to class.

"Did you really sign them up for every possible position, Lils?" Giggled Katherine.

"Of course," I said. "But you know that if they get accepted they'll have to be picked for the really nasty ones like librarian and caretaker. I looked at who else has signed up for the interesting positions, and there's no way one of them would get picked over someone like Amos Diggory for a position like headmaster or something."

"And you're sure they don't know Lily?" Asked Margaret, worriedly. 

"I am absolutely one hundred percent positive that they are clueless as usual," I said. "I can't wait to see their faces when one of them gets dispatched to play Filch for a week."

We all laughed gleefully. Dinner tonight would be very interesting indeed.

+   
_Stop laughing! ___

_I'm, hee, hee, sorry, Lils! It's just that, ha, ha, evening turned out to be so much, hee, hee, more entertaining then I ever thought it would be. ___

_Yeah, well, it was one of the worst nights of my life! ___

_Oh, come on! It was the very beginning of our relationship. ___

_No, it wasn't! That night only made me hate you more! ___

_Oh, right. Ha, ha. Sorry. I just have to tell this part. You were so viciously cruel to us, and then so furiously disgusted ... It was priceless. ___

_James, you're getting ahead of the narrative. Just tell the story. ___

_Right. So, that night... __  
_  
+   
At dinner I was fuming. Not only had I been unable to successfully overhear any of Evans' conversations that day, but as we had entered the Great Hall for dinner Dumbledore had announced that tonight he would announce who would be taking over the school. I hadn't even signed up for anything, so I would get to sit around being bored for even longer than usual.

As I moodily picked at my steak and potatoes I happened to glance over at Evans. To my surprise she grinned widely at me and then burst out laughing with her friends. They all leaned in toward Evans, evil smirks on their faces. I could hear them whispering excitedly about something, but couldn't quite make out what they were talking about. Probably giggling about girl stuff, like how the napkins exactly matched their shoes, or something.

Five minutes later I had arranged my potatoes into an exact replica of Snape's face, and was about to maliciously take a huge bite out of his ear, when I heard a sudden hush fall over the hall.

Looking up I saw Dumbledore standing up, holding the long piece of paper, which now was covered in writing. Surprisingly it looked like a lot of people wanted to play teacher. What a stupid contest.

"Ahem," coughed Dumbledore, smiling around at the silently enraptured students. "Pardon my cough, it's just that the ink fumes rising from all of these names has stuck in my throat a bit." A few people tittered, but most just rolled their eyes. "Now," he continued, "if you would all give me your undivided, and for some, your undoubtedly distracted, attention. I wish to announce the winners of the contest we set up on Saturday. I will call out the subject or job and then the student whose name is called will please come up to front of the hall to receive their instructions."

I saw Evans lean forward eagerly. She'd probably end up running the whole school and we'd have to feed her chocolates and pealed grapes, while rubbing her feet, for a week. Not that I would have a problem with that.

"Our caretaker will be...Yolanda Nott." A tall grim-faced Slytherin seventh year ignored the smattering of applause and walked up to Dumbledore, snatching the piece of paper that the headmaster held out to her.

I yawned loudly as Dumbledore assigned the nurse, librarian, and groundskeeper. I knew none of them very well.

"Do you think we'll have to stay here the whole time, or can we leave?" Padfoot whispered to me, looking as bored as I felt. I shrugged, drumming my fingers on the table.

Divination, muggle studies, astronomy, history of magic, ancient runes and care of magical creatures were all assigned to a boring array of students: all were well-mannered seventh years with impeccably dull personalities and incredibly good grades.

"Arithmancy will be taken by...Margaret Jones!" Called Dumbledore.

"What!" Screamed Evans' friend shrilly. "Oh, my gosh!" She, Evans and their other three friends jumped out of their seats into a group hug. "Yes!" Margaret strode excitedly to Dumbledore, smoothing her straight hair as she walked. "Thank you so much!" We heard her say loudly to Dumbledore.

"You're quite welcome. Now, then. Defense Against the Dark Arts will be taught by...Remus Lupin!"

"Oh, well done Moony," I said, clapping him on the back. "Now you better make that class interesting, you hear?"

"I'll do my best, Prongs," said Remus, blushing slightly as he walked up to Dumbledore amid loud applause.

Herbology went to Evans' friend Bridget, which resulted in another loud round of ecstatic shrieking from her pack of friends.

"Transfiguration," Dumbledore announced in a loud voice, "will be taken by Mr. Sirius Black!"

There was a stunned silence. Sirius looked at me confused. "I didn't put my name down for anything!" He said.

I heard a suppressed laugh. Turning sharply Sirius and I saw Evans ducking her head back down, but not before I heard her whisper, "You're very welcome, Black."

"Mr. Black," Dumbledore called. "Would you please come to the front of the room?" Slowly, Sirius walked up to join Lupin, but not before he had glared daggers at Evans.

Well, I thought to myself, at least one of the classes will be interesting. With Padfoot in charge it's going to be wild.

"The charms teacher, and deputy headmistress," said Dumbledore, "will be Lily Evans."

"I don't believe it," shrieked Evans. Her two younger friends hugged her tightly.

"Well, I can believe it," I said loudly. I smiled cheerily at her when she glared over at me.

After Evans walked up to Dumbledore, he cleared his throat again. "Ahem. Now, we have just one last position to fill, before you will be released from this torture. The job of headmaster has been given to...James Potter!"

"What!" I stood up uncertainly as the Great Hall burst into applause. Up at the front of the room I saw Evans looked angry.

I walked confidently up to Dumbledore. I took the long scroll of parchment he handed me. "I'll try and do justice to you, sir," I said, saluting him.

"I'm sure you will, Mr. Potter," smiled Dumbledore.

Standing next to Evans, I grinned down at her. "Did this ruin your plan to have me play Filch or something?"

Evans ignored me. "This can't be real, this can't be real," she repeated over and over, her fists clenched at her sides.

"These sixteen students," Dumbledore said, turning and addressing the seated students, "have been given instructions telling them what to do for each of their respective positions." He paused, smiling at us. "You will take over on Monday the tenth of November. Now, off to bed with you." He clapped his hands and immediately loud talking broke out in the hall as the students headed out of the hall.

"So, Evans," I said, winningly, turning to look down at her beautiful face. "Now that you and I are headmaster and deputy headmistress, how's about you go out with me?"

Evans stepped hard on my toes as she and her friends marched out of the hall. I crossed my arms and glared after her, what did she have with ignoring me?

"So, Prongs," said Remus. "A week with you in charge. That should prove interesting."

All at once my mind was off Evans. Several particularly brilliant plans for mayhem had just appeared in my mind. Who could think of girls when there were pranks to be pulled? "Yes," I agreed. "Very interesting indeed."  
_  
__Okay, so maybe that wasn't has funny as I remembered. ___

_No, I think it was. ___

_You do, Lily? ___

_Sure. I love laughing at how rude I was to you back then. I can't believe I was ever that mean. ___

_Not hard for me to believe. ___

_What on earth ever gave you the idea to fall in love with me? ___

_Not sure, but it was probably the best idea I ever had. ___

_Oh, really? I'd rather think that the best idea you ever had, was buying that six foot wheel of swiss cheese for me when I was pregnant with Harry. That was pure heaven... ___

_Women are so wierd. ___

_No wierder than guys who sit around watching Quidditch for hours on end. ___

_Fair point. All right, I'm off. I'm going to get some more pineapples. I'm going to be attempting to ski down that cloud tonight on skiis made out of pineapples, and I need some fresh ones. ___

_Okay, this would be me speaking sarcastically here: Skiing on pineapples is undoubtably the greatest idea in the history of great ideas.! ___

_I know! ___

_James... sarcasm is so lost on you. ___

_I guess... but, I make up for it in my great ideas, like skiing on pineapples! __  
_  
A/N: Hee, hee! I'm having a lot of fun with this story! I know that James sounds really immature and kind of clueless, but I can't help thinking that his personality would have been a lot closer to Fred and George's than Harry's. Plus, this personality is fun to write! Skiing on pineapples... hee, hee, hee! I amuse myself sometimes...


	5. A Damsel Not In Distress

**Chapter five: A Damsel Not in Distress**

**Disclaimer:**Does it look like I'm the multi-million dollar author whoowns Harry Potter? Of course not. That's what none of it's mine.

I strolled down library shelves, carefully adding books to the three foot stack of books I was levitating along side me. I flipped absent-mindely through my Charms book, asI turned a corner, and ran straight into someone. Both my books and I fell to the floor, as I knocked the tall boy in front of me to ground also. I looked over at who I had collided with, and felt my heart pound loudly. _I don't believe it_, I thought. Of all the people I had to knock over! Why him? Urgh!

"Oh, Lily! Hi! You okay?" The young man asked. He jumped to his feet, his light brown hair swinging around his face. He smiled at me, his blue eyes flashing adorably as he offered me a hand.

Tommy Williams. Seventh year, head boy, a fellow member of the Slug Club, Ravenclaw Quidditch captain, and a fanatic for Charms, like myself. Stunningly handsome, I had been crushing hard on him since my third year. But he didn't know that. And hopefully never would. I think that I would die of embarrassment if he found out, because there is no way that he could ever like me.

"Uck," I couldn't talk. My tongue wouldn't move. No! Say something funny, articulate, interesting, anything, just say something! "Yeah, I guess so. Are you okay?" I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, smiling nervously at him.

"Of course! Here, let me help you pick up your books." He bent down to the floor and began stacking the scattered books.

I bit my lower lip nervously as I scrambled around picking up books.

"Thank you very much for your help," I said as I levitated my books into the air again.

"Your welcome very much," Tommy said. I giggled, and he smiled down at me. "That's a handy way to carry books. I suppose you're getting ready for take over week?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes, I am!" I had been momentarily distracted by the realization that I would be teaching him for a week! Maybe I could give him detention, so that I could spend more time with him! Hee, hee! I am so evil!

"I look forward to having you as a teacher. You're going to be so great!" He said. He was still smiling at me, and I felt myself blush. I scratched my shoulder restlessly, trying hard not to run away from his magnificent cuteness.

"Thanks. You're doing Care of Magical Creatures aren't you?" Tommy nodded. "You'll be great at that too! Because, you're really hot!" Oh. My. God. I did not just say that aloud. "Um... I'llseeyoulaterbye," I muttered and dashed off down a shelf, pulling my floating books behind me. Now that was embarrasing!

"Now," I said, trying to push my mortified thoughts out of my head (I was so stupid! Why did I say that? He's was going to think that I was sooo immature! I need to eat a lot of chocolate, right NOW!), and sitting down precariously on one of the rickety window seats in the library, and dividing my books into three towering stacks that obscured my view of the rest of the library, "I was thinking that we should review these books, along with your notes from the past five years, and then begin to draw up a class outline from there. What do you think?"

Reaching up to for the book closest to me (The Subtle Art of Charms and a Complete Guide to the Basics of Charm Theory by Theodore Gooley), I respondedto myself "Sounds like a good idea Lily, but why don't we also take notes while we read, too."

I nodded and pulled out a long roll of parchment and a quill, before replying, "Perfect! That way we can get the important stuff written down and not just have to recall it from memory! You're brilliant, Lils!"

"Why thank you. You're too kind," I said.

"You're aren't talking to yourself are you, you filthy little mudblood?" A voice broke through my thick barricade of books. Gasping in shock I looked around for the familiar voice, and saw Severus Snape, his long greasy black hair draping down onto my reference materials. He smirked lazily when he saw me gazing surprisedly up at him. "I think you're a bit touched in the head, Evans."

Tucking my hair behind my ears, I smiled as sweetly as I good at him. "And why's that Snape?" I asked through gritted teeth. Because I was a prefect I tried to treat him nicely, one has to set an example for the knuckle-heads at school, but Snape made it so hard to be pleasant.

Knocking several of my carefully chosen books onto the floor and out of sight, he replied "Because the only people who talk to themselves are those who," he sneered at me, his upper lip curling unpleasantly, "are off their bloody rocker."

"Thank you for your comments Snape, but I have work to do," I said, settling back down to my note taking, trying to ignore Snape as he continued to stare down at me.

"You know," he said, in a voice so loud and malicious I almost cringed, "Perhaps talking to yourself isn't a sane of insanity, and more a sign of being a disgusting and abominable Mudblood!"

"I would prefer if you didn't speak to me like that," I said just as loudly, but kept my head down so my hair covered my face as I could feel my eyes filling with tears. No matter how long I was in the wizarding world, it still stung when someone insulted me like that. I hated being thought of as inferior, as scum. I was just as magically able as any pureblood, and more than some.

"Oh, no," Snape spat viciously, "Did I make the loathsome Mudblood cry?"

_God, I hated when he called you that! _

_Yes, I'd picked up on that! But, I didn't like how you kept jumping in and trying to save me. _

_But, it made me look cool. Sort of. Maybe. Not. _

_Whatever... __  
_  
"DON'T CALL HER THAT!" A voice shouted loudly. From inside my wall of books I couldn't see the speaker, but unfortunately I thought I knew the voice. Inwardly I groaned. He couldn't leave me alone, could he? The next moment the same voice had roared "KINETICO!" I felt a hot blast of air come soaring at me as my wall of carefully stacked and alphabetized books collapsed onto the floor to reveal Snape moaning on the floor, apparently blasted to the ground after the spell hit him. In front of him in a semicircle were Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew. Potter's wand was raised, and he was staring furiously down at the obviously injured Snape. "NEVER!" He shouted, "CALL! EVANS! THAT! AGAIN!" On the floor, Snape whimpered. Potter's spell seemed to have caused several of my largest and heaviest books to fall painfully onto Snape's ribs. Potter was such a prat!

Carefully, mindful of my decrepit seat, and yet angrily I stood up on the window seat. Potter and Black seemed not to notice, but Lupin looked nervously up at me. "POTTER," I shouted, "WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT FOR!"

Potter looked up at me, a surprised expression on his face.

"So," I continued furiously, "Did you think you think that I was helpless? Because I was doing just find! I don't need rescuing, Potter! I'm not the defenseless damsel in distress you think I am!" I saw Lupin and Black exchange amused looks. "And...and..." I faltered, momentarily distracted as I saw Potter's face sliding into a sad, dejected look. He ran his fingers through his hair, biting his lower lip as he frowned miserably up at me, as if he was fighting the urge to cry. Somehow, it made him look adorable. Wait! What! No, James Potter bad! Hating him good! Shout something!

"And..um...My books!" I said, mentally berating myself for my momentary lapse of sanity. "Do you have any idea how long it took me organize those! You've ruined fifty-six minutes of hard work Potter!" Snape moaned a little on the floor. Trying to suppress the memory of his insult, I continued to bawl out Potter. "And what was the point of hexing Snape! Violence is not impressive! Potter, you have no heart! If you thought that you would impress me by swooping into the rescue, you thought wrong! I hate the way you pigheadedly throw charms around! You're as bad as Snape! Don't think you'll ever have a chance with me if you are always doing the exactly opposite wrong thing! In fact, when you act as juvenile and selfish as you do, I'm surprised that any one likes you at all! Not only are you immature, but, but..."

I was faltering again for a reason to keep shouting at Potter. Due, undoubtedly, to the stress of the situation, my stomach kept flip-flopping whenever I looked at Potter. I'd just go see Madam Pomfrey after this and I'd be fine! I mean, it wasn't like I liked him or anything... Of course not! I hated Potter.

Hurriedly, in order to cover up my confusion and flip-flopping stomach, I reverted back to an old favorite comment to shout at Potter. Staring fixedly at the moaning Snape, so that my stomach wouldn't go back into its gymnastics act again, I shouted, "Potter, YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT..." I took a deep breath, Keep shouting, I thought. Don't look at Potter, he's messing with your mind, and your stomach. I finished loudly, "AND YOU MAKE ME SICK!"

"ENOUGH!" shouted someone else. Turning around we saw Madam Pince, glaring furiously at us. "Miss Evans, Mr. Potter, come with me at once! How dare you shout in my library! Mr. Lupin, escort Mr. Snape to the hospital wing at once! And Mr. Black will pick up these dreadfully mistreated books at once!"

Reeling in shock and anger I stepped backwards, only to land too heavily on a weak board in the window seat, and could do nothing more than gasp in surprise as I fell in a cloud of dust and moldy wood pieces, to land face up, on the hard floor.

_That was such a weird evening! One minute I'm talking to the hottest seventh year at Hogwarts, soon I was preparing to teach Charms classes, the next momentI was shouting at you, and before I knew it, I had broken my favorite old seat! _

_And the next minute you were in--- _

_You are getting ahead of the story again! If you're so eager to put your view in, just tell part. _

_I have to go back a little ways, though. But, I'd be glad to tell the story, because on my side, the evening was quite splendid! _

_Oh, honestly James! Everything was "splendid" for you when I was around! _

_True, true. But, now, shh! Let me tell my side..._

"You know," said Remus, the Wednesday evening after Dumbledore had announced who would take over the school, "We really should try to get some homework done." He glanced at me, doodling absent-mindedly on a scrap of parchment, Sirius, who was staring moodily into the fire, and Peter, who was stuffing himself full of Chocolate Frogs.

"Moony," said Sirius as he rolled onto his side and reached out an hand for one of Peter's frogs, "We don't need to do homework. At the very least, I don't need to do homework: I know it all already."

"Part of your grade does depend on homework," snapped Moony standing up and grabbing his books. "And if while we're in the library," he said in a calmer voice, "we happen to get some books to help with some new pranks, then what's the problem?"

Sirius bounced up at once, an eager look on his voice. If he had been in his dog form, his tail would have wagging furiously. "Pranks--pranks! Who said pranks! I love pulling pranks!" He began jumping up and down clapping his hands excitedly. "Jamsie-poo, let's go to the library, please? I want to plan some pranks!"

I groaned. The library was the last place I wanted to be. There never would any good-looking girls in there---except for...I bounced up at once, like Sirius. "Yes! Yes! Let's go to the library! Evans! Evans! Evans! Hurry! Hurry!" Sirius and I bounded toward the door each jumping up and down making excited squeaks.

"Those," said Remus to Peter as the four of us headed out of the common room Sirius and I doing twirling little circle through the room as we led the way into the hall, "are what you call one-track minds." Peter ignored him and continued to shove Chocolate Frogs into his mouth. His face and hands were know completely brown and sticky.

By the time we reached the library, it seemed the only Remus had remembered the real reason we were there: to do homework. He shot off toward the Ancient Runes section, while Sirius bounced happily over to Madam Pince to try and convince her to help him find books on mischief making.

Peter had apparently decided that we had gone to the library to give him different scenery to enjoy his Chocolate Frogs, and went back to cramming them into his mouth.

Carefully, after making sure my friends were all otherwise occupied, I began to look carefully around the library for a certain red-haired young lady. Pausing by a large mirror near the back to check my appearance I gave a satisfied smile. My black hair looked as though I had just stepped off my broomstick, and as messy as it was, my blue and white striped polo shirt was neat without any creases. I straightened my glasses carefully, and then glanced behind me. To my surprise I saw a large curved wall made out of three large stacks of books, directly behind me, bright red wavy hair just visible over the top books.

There was only one person in the school who would have that many books, and I knew who it would be. But she obviously didn't want to be disturbed. I needed some back up. Carefully sneaking past Evans' towering barricade I rounded up my fellow Marauders. It wasn't easy to tear Lupin away from his beloved homework, but as Peter had run out of frogs, and Sirius was cowering in a corner as Pince shouted at him for wanting to despoil her library with dungbombs, they were grateful for something to do.

"Now," I said quietly, as we treaded quietly through the many shelves, "all you need to do is knock over all her books, but make it look like a Slytherin did it, then I'll come in to rescue the poor damsel in distress."

"Um, James," whispered Remus, "Evans isn't really the sort of girl who likes to be rescued. And don't you think knocking over her books would make her mad?"

"Oh don't be ridiculous," I said. "All girls loved to be swept out of mayhem and misfortune by a handsome and brave savior, namely, me."

"Alright, Prongs," said Remus rolling his eyes for some reason at Sirius. "What ever you say."

The plan seemed simple and foolproof, but when we rounded the shelf by Evans' literary fortress everything changed. That slimy git Snape was standing over Evans, teasing her. I couldn't see Evans' face, but I thought I heard a muffled sob.

"Yes!" Said Peter, I carefully avoided his chocolate stained hands. "Now you can go rescue Evans!"

"Yeah," I said uncertainly. Evans hated it when I jinxed Snape, but still...If I saved her, she might feel differently.

Cautiously I pulled out my wand, mentally selecting the best spell to use on the evil git. Just then I heard Snivvely mutter cruelly to Evans, "Oh no. Did I make the loathsome Mudblood cry?" He'd made her cry? And he called her a...a...a you know what!

Throwing myself out from behind the shelf I shouted at Snape, "DON'T CALL HER THAT! KINETICO!" A blast of hot energy and wind shot out of my wand knocking Snape forcibly to the ground, and at the same time causing Evans' book wall to collapse, three very large and heavy-looking tomes falling heavily onto Snape's chest.

I looked down at Snape in disgust. He looked like the books might have actually hurt him, which was a good thing! He shouldn't think that he could be able to insult Evans and go unpunished. Next to me I heard Remus whisper "Uh, oh," and heard the creak of wood as someone stood up.

The next moment I was almost blasted off my feet by a wall of angry sound. A note to the girl species in general: Don't yell when you're angry. That's for two good reasons: a) Um, It makes you look really scary, and generally has the result of scaring any men, frogs, and teddy bears in the vicinity of your wrath. b) we (being the male species in general) understand that you're mad! We're not that stupid. Well, maybe Peter is... But that's besides the point! The point is please don't yell when you get angry, since you girls can be pretty scary sometimes.

As I stood in the library I blocked out Evans' words, letting them wash over me, pretending to look as though I felt bad. I already knew the basic gist: Potter, you're stupid. Potter, I don't need your help. Potter, I hate you. It was always the same. For a girl who was so brilliant in all her classes, she sure was predictable when it came to her insults.

While I was pretending to listen to Evans' ranting I made a mental list as to why she might not like me. It went something like this:

**James' list of why Lily Evans hates me**  
1) I'm not handsome enough. That wouldn't make sense as I am the most gorgeous thing to walk the planet.

2) She didn't like my pranks. But my pranks are always funny. And why were they funny? Because I said so.

3) Um, well I don't really have a third reason, but you can't just have a list with only two things. Because wouldn't that be treason against the Lords of List-Making, or something?

All at once, as my brain was busily tucking these gems of information away I caught onto something that Evans was saying, that for once made me stop and listen:

"Don't think you'll ever have a chance with me if you are always doing the exactly opposite wrong thing!" Raged Evans. She said something else too, but that last statement kept ringing in my head. Don't think you'll ever have a chance with me if you are always doing the exact opposite wrong thing...if you're always doing the wrong thing... Does that mean that someday I could have a chance with her, if I did whatever the right thing was?

I raised my head, smiling as a million new possibilities for me and Evans danced through my head when a voice suddenly shouted, "ENOUGH!" Turning sharply I saw Madam Pince, her long vulture like face peering at us from the next bookshelf over. "Miss Evans, Mr. Potter, come with me at once!" She stormed, her long black robes flowing dramatically (and moth eatingly) behind her. "How dare you shout in my library! Mr. Lupin, escort Mr. Snape to the hospital wing at once! And Mr. Black will pick up these dreadfully mistreated books at once!"

I looked up at Evans to see if she was alright. Her face was white in shock. Apparently she was new to the getting in trouble business. She put her hands to her mouth, shaking her head as she took a step backward on the rickety window seat, and fell through the seat in a crash of wood and dust.

_Okay, my turn again! _

_But, I've only just caught up to where you were! _

_And I think that this part would be more amusing coming from my perspective. You know how those celestial reviewers like to hear humor. _

_Wait... we're going to publish our story? _

_Well, how else is Harry going to get it? _

_Uh, I dunno. I though maybe we'd just, like, float the story down as a paper airplane, or something. _

_You can't do that. _

_Why not? _

_It's complicated stuff. You wouldn't understand. It has to do with extraterestrial physics, that sort of thing. The velocity of an object that has been created by one who has died, gains extra momentum as it travels through the stratosphere, creating a vortex that rearranges the molecules in the carbon fibers, causing the object to become imperceptible to those who are on the corporeal plane, like our sole male offspring. _

_Right. Okay, you lost me on the word extraterestrial, but I'll take your word for it. But, anyway, um, I've totally forgotten what I was talking about. _

_Oh, good! That was my intention! I think that you were saying that it was my turn. _

_I was? _

_Hush. Just listen to the story... __  
_  
+  
As I lay momentarily stunned on the floor, I tried not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation: me lying amid broken moldy wood and Charms textbooks; an injured Snape lying on the floor next to me buried in theoretical Charms books; a furious Madam Pince looking aghast at the destruction of library property; and malicious Potter and his stupid friends standing with their mouths hanging open, identical expressions of shock on their faces.

In a moment, though, everything changed. Just as I was about to push myself back onto my feet, since I wanted to make sure nothing was broken, and my back was feeling sort of sore, Potter swooped down by me. He knelt beside me, his deep hazel eyes full of concern. Not that I looked in his eyes, or anything. I just happened to see that he looked concerned. I mean, I don't regularly notice what sort of emotions Potter's feeling, but in this case he just looked, like he was... you know, worried. But I didn't care, I mean it was only Potter, right? Oh, dear. Now I'm all flustered again! Damn you, Potter, for getting my thoughts all confused!

Anyway...As I was trying to discover how much damage I had done to myself, Potter knelt beside me and whispered in my ear, "are you alright Evans?"

Before I could do anything he had gently lifted my arms around his neck and picked me up in his arms. All I could do was open my mouth in disgust. Potter...What on earth do you think you're doing? I thought to myself as he straightened up and moved toward the exit, still carrying me.

Behind us, Madam Pince voiced my thoughts. "Mr. Potter," she called shrilly, "what are you doing?"

Over us shoulder Potter called back, "Evans just fell through a bench. I'm taking her to the hospital wing. She needs attending to." Ignoring Pince's spluttering protests, he carried me gently out into the corridor.

Potter carried me down the hallway and carefully up a staircase. I only smacked him twice on our way: I was surprised by how tender and careful he was. I had almost settled my head comfortably against his chest, before I remembered that I hadn't had my Potter vaccine update! Oh, dear god! I don't want Potter cooties! I held my breath for the rest of way, trying not to breath in his despicable aura of egotisticalness (if that's even a word).

When we reached the hospital wing he kicked the door open with his foot and set me tenderly on a hospital bed as Madam Pomfrey came bustling out of her office.

"Oh, my goodness. Miss Evans, what has happened to you?" Madam Pomfrey asked, her eyebrows raised in concern.

I tried to stand up in exasperation, but to my surprise found that my back roared with pain when I did. I was able to speak, fortunately. "I'm fine," I gasped in protest, as Madam Pomfrey fussed around, trying to examine me.

"She fell through one of the old window seats in the library, Poppykins," James said to the nurse. "Will she be alright?" He winked at me when he said that.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Of course she'll be alright! Now get out of here you scalawag!"

James bent by the bed on which I had been unfairly deposited. "Good night Evans. Feel better." He tried to reach for my hand, but I jerked my hand away. The last thing I wanted was to hold Potter's hand.

"Get out, you horrible prat" I snapped at him.

Grinning, he stood up, saluting me. "Aye, aye, sir!" He bounded over to the door, but paused before he opened it. "Oh, Poppy dearest?" He said, "how long do you think Commander Evans here will have to be in the hospital wing?"

"I'll have her back to normal by tomorrow morning," replied Madam Pomfrey already dishing out a ghastly looking medicine. I mentally gagged. It was just like Potter to try and save me by bringing me here, when I would probably choke to death on the horrible medicine.

Potter looked back at me once, but I raised my right hand and sent him a gesture that would have made my mum ground me for using. After that Potter hurriedly left the hospital wing.

"What a stupid git!" I muttered to myself as I sunk down onto the pillows, trying to ignore the stabbing pains now shooting through my back from where I'd landed on a particularly hard piece of wood.

"Oh, but he's a lovesick git, dear," said Madam Pomfrey as she forced a spoonful of medicine down my throat. It burned and tickled down the back of my throat, as though a trio of dragons were tap dancing down my mouth. Resisting the urge to give Madam Pomfrey the same gesture I had sent to Potter, I pulled my sheet up over my head, furious at how awful a good day had turned out to be.

_Well, that may been a bad day for you, Lily, but it was one of the best of my life. _

_Oh, yeah? _

_Yep. Here, listen... _  
+

I leaned happily against the outside of the hospital wing door and sighed contentedly, amazed at how wonderful a boring day had turned out to be.

I had rescued Lily Evans from the slimy Snape. I had avoided punishment from Madam Pince. I had held Evans in my arms for fifteen minutes and had only been smacked twice.

And now with Evans in the hospital wing I finally had the perfect way to put my plan for getting her to like me into action. Everything was ready! I just needed to gather it all up.

I sighed again. Some days my life was so perfect I wasn't sure how I could stand it. I think being flicked off by the girl of your dreams does help to keep things in perspective, but that's just a guess.

**A/N:** So here it is: chapter five! I hope it's worth the wait, because I've been working hard on this! Let me know what you think, so that I can be motivated to work on chapter six! Review! Please! --- Lucinda


	6. Grandma's Advice

Chapter 6:  
Grandma's Advice

**Disclaimer**: If I owned anything, anywhere as cool as the Harry Potter franchise I would be reclining on a hammock on my own personal island in the Pacific ocean. Am I relaxing on a hammock being fed chocolate by my personal cabana boys? Sadly, no. I am in the boring Midwest surrounded by dismal weather, and not on a sunny island in the Pacific. So, quite obviously, Harry Potter (and related characters, places, and situations) are not mine!

"Evans!" 

I lay sleeping in the hospital wing when I felt a cool mist drifting across my face and a quiet choir softly singing. I sat up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. The room was dark and curtains had been pulled around my bed. Although I couldn't see anyone I could still hear the distinct sounds of singing. Looking around I saw that my partitioned off area was full of a cool rolling mist.

"Hello?" I called Was this some kind of enchantment? "Is someone there?" 

"Evans," sang the invisible choir. Their voices were high and soft: they sounded like children. "Evans, it is I!" The tune was high and lilting, something like a Gaelic lullaby I'd heard once a long time ago.

"Huh? What's going on?" I pulled off my blankets and thrust my legs off the side of the bed, preparing to spring into action if I was attacked. The night air combined with the mist made me shiver and I quickly wrapped myself in a blanket.

"Evans, do not be afraid!" Sang the voices again. Now I was getting to be a little scared. This was really weird. As far as I was aware, the hospital wing was not prone to breaking out in song.

As I reached for my wand that was lying on the bedside table, a gap in the curtains opened. In glided a tall figure covered completely in white. Its face was obscured by some kind of white veil, but I could tell easily it was a woman, by the two large round protuberances on its chest.

Standing up in surprise I grabbed my wand. "Um, hello," I said loudly, trying not to reveal my fright and shock.

"Evans," sang the choir again.

This was getting a bit ridiculous. "Yes, that's my name!" I cried exasperatedly. "Very good, you know who I am. What do you want?" 

The tall figure stepped slowly towards me. I could hear my heart beating wildly in fear. All at once, all around the curtain the invisible choir burst into singing:

"Evans, oh Evans it is I,  
Remember me, oh pumpkin pie?  
Thy dearly loved grandma,  
Under this spell.

Oh, Evans!  
Oh, Evans!  
Be true to my memory!  
Da-a-ate James

I have come back from the great beyond  
To tell you that you must love James  
Tis your destiny  
He loves you dearly, sweetie

Oh, Evans!  
Oh, Evans!  
Be true to my memory!  
Da-a-ate James!"

Swaying with the song the white robed figure pointed at me with a cloth covered hand, then held up a silver framed painting of Potter. 

Suddenly I was disgusted with myself for ever being frightened by this! This was the lamest (and yet most elaborate) request for a date I had ever seen!

Stepping slowly toward the swaying figure as I shook with anger, I slowly reached out my hand. The figure seemed surprised and stepped back quickly with much less grace then before. Quickly I grabbed a handful of the white cloth, which looked strikingly similar to a bed sheet, and pulled hard.

As the sheet fell off I felt something round and firm hit my foot. Looking down I saw two grapefruits attached to the sheet where the chest had been. I looked furiously up at the revealed figure and saw, not surprisingly, Potter!

"Evans," he croaked in surprise. On the other side of the curtain the singing had stopped and I began to heard juvenile giggles. Striding past Potter I looked out of the curtains to see twenty-four first years, holding sheets of music and laughing uncontrollably.

"Aren't 'cha gonna kiss!" Asked one little freckled face boy, wrinkling his nose in delighted disgust.

"NO!" I said angrily. "You have all been horribly used! Go back to bed, it's much past your curfew!" I quickly herded the first years out into the corridor. "Go to bed!" I shouted. They ran up the stairs, apparently trying to avoid the wrath of the crazy carrot haired lady.

Stomping back in to the hospital wing I found Potter leaning casually against my bed.

"You!" I shouted, then remembered Madam Pomfrey. Had she heard me? The last thing I wanted was to ruin my perfect record and get in trouble. "You," I said again, but this time whispered it harshly, my voice as cold as ice.

"Yes," said Potter jauntily. He bent down and picked up one of his fake breasts. Peeling the grapefruit, he pulled off a piece and held it out to me. "It's me, Evans. Grapefruit?"

"Potter," I said through clenched teeth. "Get out!"

"Oh, come on now, Evans!" Said Potter, standing tall so that I had to look up at him. "I'm not that bad. Just go out with me, and you'll find me to be a great person!"

"I don't think that can ever happen, Potter."

"Oh, yeah? Why's that? Come on, I know you were impressed by the show tonight," he replied amiably.

Pushing him toward the door I muttered, "Potter, both my grandmothers are still alive!"

"Oh," he said blankly, making no resistance as I continued to shove him across the room. He smiled. "But if they were dead, they would have told you to go out with me!"

Wrenching open the door and shoving him into the hallway I said, "Potter, how hard were you dropped as an infant?"

A/N:   
I know, I know: I haven't posted in a long time, and it's short! I'm sorry, but hey, what can I do? These last couple weeks were crazy, so please forgive me...  
But anyways... James' plan to win the heart of the lovely Lily, actually only wins him the prize for lamest guy in Lily's life! I know it's short, but that scene needed to happen! I was going to have the dead James and Lily comment on that incident, but it just didn't seem to fit. Don't worry, though. They'll be back for chapter seven.  
Toodles!   
Lucinda


	7. Drowning in Giant Squids

**Chapter 7: ****  
****Drowning in Giant Squids **

**Disclaimer**: Yes, yes I admit it! It's all mine! I invented it first! All you mortal fanfic readers bow down to me in fear! It's miiiine! am dragged away to padded cell, cackling madly  
Right. It was Jo Rowling's first.

**Evans, I know you hate my guts, but I can't help liking you. Will you please, please go out with me? If failing that, would you at least tell me why you don't like me? When have I ever been less than courteous to you? Evans, you're breaking my heart... Just go out with me! ****  
****Love you forever, J.P. ****  
****P.S. You're hair looks beautiful today. It makes me think of grapefruit: they're yummy, just like you! ****  
**  
I sealed the note with my wand and carefully flicked it across the classroom to land perfectly, on Snape's desk. Uh oh. Snape looked around uncertainly and began to open the note. Quickly I pulled out my wand again and whispered "Accio note!" Surprisingly, not just my note, but fifteen others that were apparently being written, or passed around the room, zoomed onto my desk. Apparently Ancient Runes was a popular time to pass notes.

I carefully redistributed the other notes and more threw mine more cautiously to Evans. She grabbed it and looked around for who had sent it. I had the foresight to pretend to be listening intently to Professor Santiago, so that Evans wouldn't know it was from me, until she'd read the note.

_You thought I was yummy? ___

_Sure, I guess so. ___

_Yummy as in, you want to eat me? Yummy, like, cannibalism? Can you say: that's totally barbaric? ___

_It's figure of speech. ___

_It's crude, and disgusting. I think so now, and I thought so then. ___

_Okay, that's fine, but I wouldn't say no to a Lily-pie. ___

_James, that is so weird. Just shut up and listen to my part... _

"Open it," whispered Bridget. I had just been thrown a note from someone during Ancient Runes. After last night's disastrous events though, I was loathe to open any notes that could potentially be from Potter. 

"Not now!" I hissed back. "I'm listening to Professor Santiago!" Next to me Margaret had just gotten her very long note that she was writing to Michael Jones, the cute Ravenclaw keeper sitting directly behind her, back after, for some strange reason, all the notes in the class had zoomed over to Potter's desk. "Margaret," I whispered, as she added another scroll of writing to the already enormous note. "You are going to fail this class!"

Not looking up from her letter she whispered back, "This stuff is easy. This is the one class I don't have to worry about."

Bridget poked me in the ribs as I was about to bend down to my notes again. "Read your note! Please?" She whispered.

"Fine," I said, setting my quill to Auto-Notes. I opened the note with a tap of my wand and began to read. Margaret and Bridget leaned in to read too. When I had finished reading I carefully dropped the note onto the floor and crushed it under my foot.

I ripped off a square of parchment and scribbled a reply back to Potter. Then I carefully folded it into a paper airplane and sailed it over to Potter.

_Lily you have no idea how excited I was when you sent me that note. I was so sure that you were profess your undying love for me, etc, etc. ___

_James, that was pretty stupid of you. ___

_I know... _

I ripped open Evans' note eagerly and read it aloud in an undertone to Sirius; Remus was busy taking notes, and was pretending to ignore the fact that I was not paying attention to the lecture.

**_Potter, _****_  
_****_I will never go out with you. The main problems that I have with you are that you are too vain; you are rude to the first and second years, and use them in ways that are mean (i.e.: last night); you find it amusing it hex innocent people; you are constantly in detention; you are full of yourself; you are the biggest show off I've ever met; you care too little about your academic studies; and I find your constantly begging me to go out with you quite unattractive and juvenile. Potter, you've made much of my life miserable! And last night was not funny or cute in any way! It was the product of a deranged, desperate mind! When have my grandmothers ever called me by my surname? And on that same note, did you really think that pretending to be my grandmother would get me to like you! _****_  
_****_Stay away from me, or I'll be forced to jinx you. _****_  
_****_Hate you for all eternity, L.E. _****_  
_****_P.S. If you ever compare my hair to a citrus fruit again, your head will go immediately and irrevocably bald! (hee, hee) _**

"Whoa, Prongs," whispered Padfoot. "Bad luck."

I ignored him. The things that Evans mentioned as annoying her shocked me... I wasn't vain... I just was concerned for my personal image. 

Crikey... She didn't even like my persistent asking her out.! I was sure that she would have cracked eventually. Or have gone insane. But, I wasn't really hoping that would happen. Though if she was insane, she might have been easier to ask out. Hmm... But, seriously, though, it seemed as though all my hard work and love for six years had been in vain. 

"She doesn't like me. And short of making myself miserable and stopping doing my favorite things in the world, there is nothing I can do to get her." I put my head into my hands, willing my eyes to not tear up. "I love Lily Evans, and she just thinks of me as scum! For six years, even as she shouted at me and told me that I made her sick, I have always harbored a hope that deep down inside she really did like me. Now, however, that dream had been dashed to pieces. All I want was for her to be happy, and if my stopping to like her will do that, than I will have to begin Operation Abandon Fondness. Looking over at her as she carefully listens to Santiago's boring lecture, she is so beautiful it makes my heart skip. But I have to stop thinking about her, have to begin to treat her like just another student. If she really dislikes me that much, my love for her has to be over. I has to let Evans alone; I have to move on with my life... without her. LIly Evans is as beautiful as a rising sun, over an ocean of my passionate desire! But, I would drown myself in a thousand seas of giant squids, just so that she could be happy!" 

"Um, Prongs," said Remus quietly. "That was beautiful and all, but to you mind keeping your innermost thoughts to yourself? People are starting to stare."

"What!" I looked around, surprised to find myself standing up on my desk, my hands clasped dramatically in front of my face, little pink flowers sprouting from my wand.

I quickly sat down, looking around the room in embarrassment. Just as Moony had said, half the class, including Evans, who had a bemused expression on her face, were pointing and laughing at me. Apparently my emotional monologue had not been as private as I had thought. I had just bemoaned how much I loved Evans, and how heart broken I was over her, and that I would drown myself in giant squids for her--- aloud. "Oh, shit!" I muttered, "I think I just went down several points on the coolness scale."

"I totally agree," said Sirius, who looked embarrassed to even be sitting next to me. "In most cultures, drowning yourself in a sea of giant squids is the epitome of lameness."

A/N: I am so sorry not to have posted for so long! But this month has been really crazy for me! I've had exams, stress, blah, blah, you don't want the horrendous details of how bad March was. Fortunately I go on break soon, so I'll be able to get a little rest. Love you all, and cookies to all who review!


	8. The Best Dream EVER

Chapter 8:

The best dream EVER 

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. Hmm. That's a pretty boring disclaimer. Ah, well. My disclaimers aren't being reviewed.

"Oh no!"

I spun around quickly to face my friends, as I led the way out of the portrait hole, three days after my eventful evening in the hospital wing.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Bridget turned to me, her face serious, though her eyes were glinting with amusement. "Sorry, Lils. My Potter-o-meter just went off. Your least favorite person is coming straight towards us."

"Great," I said sarcastically, mentally preparing myself for a fight, as I saw Potter and his cronies walking down the hall towards us. I gritted my teeth, and pretended to be engrossed in conversation with my friends, as we walked down the hall.

Clenching my fists to my sides, we drew closer to the Marauders. Whenever I came within a twenty-foot radius, Potter always made an attempt to ask me out. Or, at the very least, shot a sarcastic jab at me. I was sick of his immature behavior, but besides shout at him, there wasn't much I could do.

I braced myself. We passed the Marauders. I opened my mouth to say something spiteful as Potter and I came within six inches of each other.

And he did nothing.

Blinking hard I looked back at Potter and his friends. They were talking animatedly together. Potter was totally focused on the conversation: He never once looked back at me.

"Okay," I said, pinching my cheek. "It's time to wake up. I've got some important classes today. I can't oversleep. Wake up, me!" Katherine, Margaret, Elise and Bridget had all stopped, and were staring at me with bemused expressions on their faces.

"Um," giggled Elise. "Sorry to tell you this," she paused and laughed loudly, "But, you're already awake, Lily!"

Obviously my dreaming subconscious was a very good liar. There was no way that in my waking life, Potter would not pass up the chance to look at me. When it came to be around me, and staring at me, he was like some kind of obsessed monster. Or wait. I guess that's just one of the normal symptoms of being a teenage boy.

Whatever.

"Nope," I replied. "You're lying. Only in my dreams does Potter not swamp me with attention. And this is the nicest dream ever! I just don't want to miss breakfast. Hopefully Bridget will wake me up I sleep late."

"Lily," asked Katherine nervously. "Are you feeling okay?" She nervously put on a hand on my forehead, as though worried I might have a dangerous fever that had left me oddly delirious.

"Am I feeling okay?" I repeatedly happily, as I shook her hand off my head. "Of course! I am obviously having the best dream of my life!" I skipped off to breakfast, leaving my friends standing, staring stunned after me.

If I really was asleep, then I could get away with ANYTHING! Sitting down or some really good blueberry pancakes which my subconscious had prepared for me, I planned out what would be the best, if fantasy, day of my life.

_Lily. You thought you were dreaming? Are you serious?_

_Unfortunately. _

_Wow. Okay. My turn!_

_Your turn?_

_To tell the story!_

_Oh, but I was just getting to the good part! _

_Please? Pretty, pretty please, with whipped cream, walnuts, Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans, sprinkles—_

_James,_

_--Marshmallow whip, chocolate sauce, strawberry preserves, crushed Oreos, shredded coconut—_

_James,_

_--M&Ms, butterscotch sauce, Licorice Wands, and maraschino cherries—_

_James!_

_--On top? _

_Oh, for goodness sake! Yes, James, you can tell the story for a while!_

_Yay!_

"So," I said, breaking hurriedly into conversation with Sirius as my fellow Marauders and I walked out of the Great Hall the first morning after the disastrous Ancient Runes. I had just spotted Evans and her friends coming towards us. "Padfoot, mate, what was up with you at, uh, breakfast?"

"What do you mean?" Asked Sirius, puzzled.

"Well, obviously I was talking about when you walked past the Slytherin Table this morning, and—You didn't pull a prank! You didn't even try to hex a first year! I am ashamed, Black. Quite ashamed." I pulled a wry grin, as we came closer to Evans. Time to put Operation Abandon Fondness into action. We'd both be better off. Of course we would.

So, why was I feeling so depressed?

"Oh, yeah, that," said Padfoot, completely ignoring my sudden lack of concentration. "I don't know why I didn't pull a prank, or whatever. I think I must be coming down with something." He pretended to look serious.

_I know what you're thinking, Lily._

_What?_

_Doesn't Sirius always look "serious"! Hee, hee!_

_James, actually, I wasn't thinking that. And also, the whole Serious-Sirius thing is really dumb. It wasn't funny the **first** time I heard it! And for the record, this is definitely not the first time!_

_Oh._

_Just get back to the story._

_Right. Will do…_

Sirius looked at me, poker-faced. "Do I look pale to you? Because I definitely feel like I've got some fatal and deadly disease. I probably only have a few hours to live. Good-bye world!"

Moony, Wormtail and I snorted with laughter. And—We walked right by Evans. She and I came so close, our little fingers almost brushed together. Midway through a chuckle, I had to clench my fist hard so as to remind myself to act as if I was ignoring Lily Evans.

Laughing forcibly through my gritted teeth, I grimaced painfully. It was hard work trying to imagine that the most gorgeous creature ever was just another classmate.

"Of course! I am obviously having—" The sounds of Evans talking cheerfully followed us down the corridor, making me want to puke. Evans hadn't even noticed me **not** noticing her!

When at last the sounds of Evans and her three minions had finally drifted away, I let out a long breath. I ran a hand through my hair, rumpling it behind comprehension, trying to relieve some of my tension by rearranging my hair.

Turning to listen to Padfoot's loud, and crude, story about what Professor Flitwick had been doing in the Forbidden Forest last night, I found that Moony was staring at me oddly.

"What's up, Moony?" I asked.

Remus stopped and said casually to me, "Prongs, I think that you're the one who's ill."

"Oh, why's that?" I asked nonchalantly, praying that this wasn't about Evans. I didn't think that my brain could take the strain of ignoring her any longer.

Remus looked at me with a funny expression on his face. Not, ha, ha funny, but more like _you don't know that there's a flesh-hungry T-Rex creeping up behind you_. Not that I had a flesh-hungry T-Rex creeping up behind me. It was just, you know, a metaphor.

"James, you just walked past Lily Evans, and you didn't even blink," Moony said, in a shocked voice.

"Hey, you're right!" Exclaimed Sirius. "Way to go James, you've finally seen the light! You finally appreciate the truth that no girl is worth obsessing about for less than a weekend!"

"What?" Asked Peter. "That was Evans? I didn't even recognized her, with you two not shouting at each other."

"I am not ill, Moony," I said to my one sane friend. "Today is the first day I implement Operation Abandon Fondness. The fondness refers to my adoration for Evans."

"Whoa," said Sirius, an amused expression on his face. "Is this that thing from yesterday? The giant squid thing?"

"Unfortunately," I said in a low voice. There was no doubt that I was suffering from severe Evans Withdrawal. My head was empty, without a single witty retort, and my retinas were screaming to ogle a sexy redhead.

Moony smiled at me. "Well, good luck with oaf."

"What did you call me?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Not you. Operation Abandon Fondness. O. A. F. are the initials. And the letters o, a, f, make up the word Oaf!"

"Right," I said lamely. "I know that. I was just, um, testing you. Yep!"

"Sure," said Remus, nodding his head cynically. "You're delusion is cool with me. And I'm just not going to bother to point out that maybe your plan isn't so smart, if the definition of its acronym is a clumsy, stupid person!"

I glared at him, not willing to consent that he might be right.

_Lilykins. _

_Don't call me that!_

_How else was I supposed to get your attention?  
_

_Good point. What do you want?_

_It's your turn to talk. _

_All right! Here, hold this while I get ready to talk. _

_What is it?_

_A in ice cream sundae with whipped cream, walnuts, Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans, sprinkles, marshmallow whip, chocolate sauce, strawberry preserves, crushed Oreos, shredded coconut, M&Ms, butterscotch sauce, Licorice Wands, and maraschino cherries on top! You made me hungry. _

_Oo-kay._

_Don't worry. I won't let my yummy ice cream get in the way of my story-telling…_

I slid down the banister of the marble staircase; I ignored Professor Binns' lecture, as I doodled on my desk; I hit Snape with a Leg-Locker Curse and locked him in a fourth-floor cabinet; and I ate 43 Chocolate Frogs in Transfiguration!

I was having the best day of my life! Except it actually was only a dream. Oh, well.

At lunch I continued with my thrilling imagination as I ate 13 pieces of fried chicken, and a large slab of cheesecake. Yum!

Margaret, Katherine and Elise were all looking at me with concern for some reason, but Bridget kept glancing at me, then looking away, shaking her head and smiling.

With fifteen minutes left in lunch, I heard someone whistling a jazzy tune as they walked out of the Great Hall. It was "Don't Let Me Stop Enchanting You," the popular wizarding song by the Screaming Pixies.

Soon there were ten minutes left before I went back to classes, and I couldn't get the song out of my head! I hummed it to myself, but felt an odd urge to dance. I jumped to my feet, and began a spirited and improvised break dance on the table. I ignored the large platters of food that I was rolling in, and let out a huge grin! I love sleeping!

Heads turned around the hall and people stood up to watch me dance, but I was oblivious to everything but the ka-chunk, ka-chunk of the tambourine in my head.

"Don't let me stop, stop, stop enchanting, oh no, you! Doo, doo, doo! I charmed you into my heart, and you, oh, yes, you, Obliviated it ri-ight out of me! Ooo, ooo, ooo! Hey, yeah!" I threw my hands into the air as I turned my breakdance into an impromptu Riverdance, singing at the top of my voice. Hey, no one ever said that the lyrics were all that great, but I was feeling hyper, and unstoppable: a great, yet dangerous combination!

"And now, Miss Evans, your unnecessary and ill-timed performance is over," a sharp voice said, cutting abruptly through my revelry.

Oops. Professor McGonagall stood in front of me. Her face was stern, and she had the kind of look on her face that she only had when someone was about to die. Not literally though, but you never knew with McGonagall.

"Hello, Professor," I said nervously to her. This might be a lovely dream, but even in dreams I could still get in trouble.

"Miss Evens, will you please be so good as to explain the meaning of your disruptive recital?"

"Sure," I replied. "I'm, um, rehearsing for a play that I'm doing with my third cousins over Christmas break. I've got the lead. I play a, um, love sick, um, Norwegian." I smiled awkwardly at her. Subconsciously I was begging her to believe that, however implausible it might sound.

"Your Muggle cousins sing wizarding ballads?" McGonagall asked cynically.

"Oh, sure," I said, quickly jumping from the table to the floor. "They just don't know that it was originally a song by the Dancing Leprechauns. They think it's a Beatles song."

"I wasn't aware that Muggle insects could sing, Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall said sternly. "Deten—"

"Ooh, no. Right. Um, it's a Muggle band, but you know, I'm-really-sorry-won't-happen-again! Yep, I've completely, totally, utterly, absolutely, really learned my lesson, my, my— Oh, shoot, what's a synonym for 'lesson'?" I ended my regretful ramblings with my sweetest and most winning smile.

You know that smile; it's the kind that melts Potter into butter. Not, of course, that I have to smile to make him melt.

Heck, I could pick my nose and that boy would fall to my— Wait! I'm dreaming! And he's ignoring me! And that's great!

So, why am I still comparing my facial actions to what he likes?

Oh, God I'm confused!

But, meanwhile Professor McGonagall was looking at me doubtfully. "Well, Lily, I just don't know," she said slowly.

But I smiled. When she uses the first name, you know you're golden. I'd gotten away with it!

"I'll send you an invitation to see the play!"

McGongall cleared her throat. "That won't be necessary, Miss Evans. I'll let you go this time, but—"

I smiled again, letting her know grateful I was to not become when of those cursed multitudes who receive detentions. "Oh, thank you so much, Professor! I really—"

"There's no need to grovel. You may stop kissing my shoes." I stood up hurriedly, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand. Man, her shoe polish tasted nasty!

"But," McGonagall continued, "Your breaking of rules is becoming all too common, Miss Evans. I shall expect you to curb it before I really do have to give you detention."

"Oh. Right. 'K. Bye." I quickly grabbed my books and ran out of the Great Hall.

That had been close! But, of course, it still proved that I was having the best dream of my life; everyone knew that McGonagall was ridiculously strict about not breaking rules. I mean, if I wasn't asleep, I would **never** have gotten out of there alive. After being made to scrub the Quidditch Pitch with a steel rag for all eternity, I would have had to re-varnish the table legs in the Great Hall, and _then_ I'd probably be expelled. And decapitated. And drawn and quartered. And—

So, yeah. McGonagall's compliant behavior completely proved that I was still dreaming.

I grinned and started to sing again.

_James, now you tell your side._

_No._

_Why not?_

_It was painful, Lily_

_Oh, come on! I really want to hear it!_

_Fine. I was miserable that entire day because I had to force myself to not look at, or think about you. I was constantly reminding myself to ignore you, and I had a horrible headache, and— Oh, man. I DON'T want to talk about it._

_Oh, all right James. Go—mope or something. I'll keep telling my part…_

There were the faint rumblings of thunder as I pranced into my last class of the day. My fabulous dream was going so splendidly! I had never had better day!

Too bad I had to wake up soon.

That was the most depressing though ever. I really wished I had like three more hours before I have to get up.

"Good afternoon, Professor," I said as I stepped into Slughorn's classroom, praying that my alarm wouldn't go off soon.

"Well, good afternoon to you, Miss Evans!" boomed Slughorn jovially. "And how is my favorite student today? You look particularly happy about something."

"I am just having a fantastic day, sir!"

"Oh, good. I hope that it's due at least partly to the exciting aura of my classroom," Slughorn said winking at me.

I smiled broadly as I set my materials up in favorite desk in the front row. "Yeah— No. I just love the world today!"

And, go figure, at that moment Potter walked in.

But I was really all right with it, because normally when he entered a classroom he looked around until he found me, and then made a beeline over to me, pestering him inanely until class started.

Today, though, he greeted Professor Slughorn brightly and walked straight past me with Black and Remus to their customary seats in the back of the classroom. Potter looked the happiest that I had ever seen him, although perhaps a little pale. And he did have a strained look in his eyes. He'd undoubtedly had too much ice cream for lunch. Maybe he'd become so sick that he'd have to be quarantined, and I'd never see him again!

I smiled evilly. That would be very nice.

_Yeah, no, duh. Of course you would have liked that. You blooming hated me, while I felt like I might hurl if I didn't look at you soon. _

_Oh, come on James, it can't have been that bad_

_No, it was! I was getting pale from my Lily-Extraction, and, uh, from, the three, er, gallons of Raspberry Ripple ice cream that I had with my fish sticks at lunch. But, but—The point is I was just perishing without you!_

_James, I love you. You're such a doofus…_

Professor Slughorn had set us the difficult task of turning a potion of Felix Felicis into a Nausea Potion, by removing only one ingredient. Twenty minutes passed silently by as we removed ingredients, put them back, stirred our potions, and sweated profusely in the humid heat of the many fires.

This was a fairly routine class, so, when the door opened halfway through class, we all started in surprise. All heads jerked up from our cauldrons and gazed through the silvery haze rising from our cauldrons at our intruder.

I felt my heart beats speed up, and thump louder. It was Tommy Williams.

He crossed over to Slughorn's desk and handed him a note. While Slughorn read it, Tommy leaned over his shoulder, whispering rapidly to him.

_What should—My gosh—Is he looking—Does he—He's so handsome—There's no way that—He must like—Aaaaaaah! He's looking at—Oh, never mind—Do I look— _For two and half minutes I stood stupidly by the side of my cauldron, disjointed thoughts rushing through my head, my ladle dropping loosely in my sweaty, trembling fingers. Finally as my potion began to emit large boot-sized puff of coal black smog, I at last had a concrete realization. I was dreaming! I could do anything I liked, and it wouldn't matter! While I was here inside my subconscious, Tommy would do whatever I wished! A vision of the secluded broom closet on the floor above us flashed into my mind. I sighed dreamily. After snogging in the broom cupboard maybe he and I could run away to the south of France and live in a pink villa and have seventeen children… If only I don't wake up, that villa is ours, uh, mine.

"Miss Evans," Slughorn called. I looked up from daydream and furiously began to pretend to be stirring my exhaust-filled potion.

"Uh, yes sir?"

"Mr. Williams needs some skinned mandrake for Defense Against the Dark Arts. Would you please assist him in carrying it back to his class?"

My heart leaped into my throat. And actually, you'd be surprised by how uncomfortable that is. I coughed roughly. "Of, of course! I'd certainly be glad to!" If I was dreaming, well you never could know what would happen when I was alone with Tommy. All right!

I jumped out of my seat and shot across the room to where Tommy was standing. I smiled seductively at him.

"Miss Evans, did you accidentally swallow some of your Nausea Potion? You have a horrible grimace on your face," Slughorn asked with concern.

Oh. I'd thought I'd looked seductive. Maybe not.

Tommy came out of the storeroom carrying two large bags of shredded mandrake skin. I grabbed a bag from him and hurried out the door. I rushed out so quickly that I was twenty meters away from Slughorn's classroom by the time Tommy had realized that I had left, and he had caught back up with me.

"Hey," he said quietly, not looking at me.

"Hello," I replied, in low, sultry voice.

"Are you okay, Lily?" Tommy asked. "You sound like you have a cold."

Dang! Even subconsciously I can't seem to get the hang of these flirtatious mannerisms! When I wake up I'll have to ask Margaret to show me how to be more beguiling. Not that she's very good at it herself: she just happens to read a lot of those fluffy romance novels.

I shook my head at Tommy. "No. I don't have a cold. I just—Ah—Never mind."

We walked in awkward silence down the hallway and up a flight of stairs. I kept running my fingers through my hair, hoping that he thought I looked pretty. When we were halfway down the corridor from the DADA classroom, Tommy paused.

"Lily," he said softly, turning to face me. I looked up expectantly at him. A slice of sunlight was cutting through the dark clouds outside illuminating his glorious features. He had never looked more wonderful. Can you tell that I liked him? A lot? Like, I was ready to die for him?

Except that then I couldn't live in a pink villa in the south of France with him and our seventeen children.

But, I loved him. I think. I liked him more than I hated Potter, anyways.

Oh my God! Why do I keep thinking of Potter? I thought this was a dream where I was free from Potter. I hate Potter. I really do. I like Tommy so much. He's gorgeous.

So, why is James Potter still on my mind?

It must be because I hate him so much that even subconsciously he bugs me.

That must be it.

And Tommy was still standing in front of me, twisting his hands together nervously, as though about to say something uncomfortable. I struggled out of my cranial conflict and gazed devotedly at his perfect body.

He was about to begin speaking again. I tried to pull my gaze off his biceps. How long did he have to work out every day to get them that muscular? Meanwhile, though, Tommy was staring at me strangely, apparently expecting me to say something. Oops.

"Uh, sorry. Yes, Tommy?"

"Well, um, we actually have almost enough shredded boomslang for Defense. I went to get some, because, I, uh, I wanted to talk to you Lily."

I smiled sweetly up at him. "I'm here to talk to."

He rubbed his nose uneasily. "See, Lily, here's the thing. When we were in the library the other day, I wanted to tell you that—"

Yes! Yes! My big moment had arrived! He was about to reveal his unconditional love for me! Aw, heck, I'll save him the trouble.

I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him hard on the lips. Somewhere a violin soared and fireworks exploded all around.

But those fireworks sure weren't exploding in that corridor, because almost as soon as my lips met his, Tommy gently shoved me away.

"Erm, Lily I was going to tell you that I think you're too immature for me, and uh, I think you just proved my point." He picked up the bags of mandrake skin and walked towards the DADA classroom.

I stood stunned for a moment, then let out a long hysterical shriek of laughter. "Hah! You can't just walk away! This is my dream, and in this dream everything is going great! You think I'm fabulous and gorgeous and you want to snog me in that broom cupboard right here, right now! Because this was the best dream of my life! Come ba-a-ck!"

I started to sprint after him, waiting for those damn violins to start playing, and for Tommy to turn and run dramatically towards me through a field of daisies, but no such luck. I tripped on an untied shoelace and fell onto my face.

While I lay I lay face down on the ground I heard a door open and close as Tommy entered his class.

For several minutes I lay on the floor tears rolling down my cheeks as I pounded my fists on the flagstones, silently cursing myself, and begging to wake up.

Finally after about five tear-drenched and curse-filled minutes I heard footsteps coming down the hallway from the staircase.

"Lily?" A voice asked.

I rolled onto my back, sniffling, and raised my head. It was Bridget. She looked worried.

"Are you all right?" I gaze a half-hearted shrug and burst into tears. "Um," Bridget continued kneeling and putting an arm around my shoulders, "Professor Slughorn sent me to find you because your cauldron, uh, exploded, and sort of melted Snape's shoes. And I also wanted to make sure you're okay, because you've been acting really weird today."

"I'm dreaming!" I wailed. "And I tried to kiss Tommy, but, but, he told me that I was too immature!" Bridget pulled me to my feet and I stood staring in anguish at her.

"Oh, Lily." Bridget paused, rubbing her fingers together nervously. "I know that today, up until now, was going great for you. But you have to realize that you're not dreaming. This is your life."

"Are you serious?" I asked. Bridget nodded. A wave of mortification washed over me. I had acted so stupidly it was embarrassing. Even for me. My tears and anguish evaporated as I contemplated all the amazing immature and foolish things that I had done, and that had happened to my today.

"Shit!" I said vehemently. "My life sucks!"

"Maybe so," said Bridget. "But, hey, at least you got to break dance on the curried rice."

A/N: Yay! Chapter 8 has finally arrived! It's my longest chapter yet, and I hope you find it as amusing to read as it was to write!

For anybody who's read the beginning of my new story about Gilderoy Lockhart, I know I said that I'd have an update today, but I've been REALLY busy, and just being able to get this posted is a miracle…

Bring on those reviews, and let me know how the story's developing. And for all of you who are hungry for some L/J romance, wait three chapters, and you'll get some… Don't worry. I've got it ALL planned out!

Buwhahaha!


	9. You Ruin Everything

Chapter 9:

You Ruin Everything

Disclaimer: None of it's mine, even the part about eating pineapples and being sexy (you'll see what I mean), except I sort of twisted that around (the inspiring comment was originally from "Wall of Shame", which is undeniably the funniest thing since the invention of humor!).

_Sirius!_

_Hey, James! Oh, wow, hi Lily!_

_Sirius, you're dead?_

_I guess so... So, these is "the upstairs," huh? _

_That's right. Pineapple? _

_Ooo, my favorite! Now I'm sexy... and I get pineapple! Score!_

_So, how'd you bite it mate?_

_James! That's not a very sensitive way to--_

_It's okay, Lily. I died fighting my dear cousin Bellatrix at the Ministry. Harry was _

_there too, because, well, it's a long story, but, I'm here now._

_Is Harry all right?_

_Lils, he's the spawn of James and Lily Potter. Of course he'll be all right. So, what do you do up here?_

_Right now we're telling our story, so that Harry can learn more about his parents._

_Sounds good. Can I listen?_

_Um..._

_Sure! All right, Padfoot! It's going to be pretty cool with you here!_

_Ahem!_

_Not that it hasn't been cool with my beautiful wife here, of course. I've a had great time here with you Lily, reminiscing about my pain filled adolescence._

_Of course. Now, James, let's get back to that story. Where were we?_

_I think we were getting close to "take over week." Remember? But you had spent a day thinking that you dreaming because I was ignoring you, when in actuality I had just begun operation O.A.F. because I'd realized that I could get you, but I was completely miserable, and---_

_Oh, yeah! That year was priceless! Prongs, if this story has half the dumb things you did at school, then listening to it is going to be hysterical!_

_Sirius, could you please not interrupt?_

_Sorry._

_Right, James, I think I'll start this section off._

_Whatever you say Lilykins._

_That's right. Whatever I say. Oh, and you know not to call me Lilykins..._

Without a doubt, the weeks leading up to the take over week were some of the strangest in my entire time at Hogwarts. Not only was James not asking me out ever five seconds, but he seemed to have forgotten I ever existed. Not that I was complaining. This was a remarkable improvement. James always added to my stress level, and with N.E.W.T. classes, plus seven different Charms curriculums to plan, I was stretched pretty thin. James' fantastic new view towards me helped me to feel slightly more calm.

With my life, however, that fabulous feeling of tranquility didn't last long...

-----------

"Oh, honestly, Elise," moaned Margaret. "Do you really have to lay on of my bed?"

It was Sunday evening, the day before we would be replacing the teachers. My stomach was beginning to flutter with anxious little butterflies at the thought of teaching all the hundreds of students. I had all my lessons planned out, but was wrestling with a large Arithmancy project that had given me a fierce headache, and had made me as prickly as a porcupine. Elise and Margaret had been snapping at each other all day, which only added to my headache. I was always looked to as a neutral peacekeeper, which meant that I was constantly being driven from my homework to break up a spat.

Rubbing my eyes blearily with my left hand, I considered going down to the common room to work. It might be louder downstairs, but I likely be able to work without distractions and diversions from my feuding friends.

I looked wearily over at Margaret and Elise. As with most of their arguments, Margaret was gesticulating wildly as she shouted at Elise, who stood, arms crossed and eyes rolled, mocking her older sister in whiny nasal tones.

"Is it that hard for you to listen to me?" Margaret was asking loudly. "You are an immature girl,"

"An immature girl," sneered Elise.

Margaret snorted with rage, stamping her foot on the floor. "-- And you have so many manners to learn, that you might as well be a pig!"

"You're a pig," said Elise in her mocking voice.

I stood up, grabbing my books and scroll, and marched over to the door. Wrenching it open I said sharply to my two bickering friends, "There are times when arguing is necessary. This is not one of them." I stomped down the stairs before they had time to register what had happened.

Slamming down my books on an empty table in the corner of the common room, I blew out a large breath. I had been feeling tense and irritable all day, but snapping at my friends (although probably not the best stress reliever) had released some of the tension. I settled back down to my work happily with the knowledge that in a few minutes, Elise and Margaret would come downstairs, their argument completely worked out in the shame of knowing they had pissed me off.

"By using Grafoil's theory, we assume that the Rule of Transexponentiality is true, which creates an imperfect statement in question three." I murmured quietly to myself as I wrote down answers on my long scroll. The sound of my quill scratching softly and the warm heat of the fire soothed me, easing out the rest of my frustrations. I passed the rest of the evening this way, quietly relishing the fact that in two days I would be deputy headmistress.

_Um, Lily?_

_Yes?_

_How is this relevant? I mean it's sort of interesting, but I fail to see how it really moves the story forward. And the fact that you were excited about being deputy headmistress is just kind of random. You hadn't said anything about so far. _

_Doesn't matter. I'm just recording what happened. It's not my job to make it appear like I had some order to my thoughts. Besides, I was about to get to the "interesting" part._

_Which was?_

_You remember. _

_Umm. No._

_Remember coming down the dormitory stairs and--_

_Oh. Yep, I do. Okay, sorry for interrupting. Back to the story._

_I'll do that. Say, where's Sirius gone? _

_He went to talk to Merlin._

_The boring old warlock? _

_Yeah, Sirius said something about you being boring, or something. Dunno WHERE that's coming from..._

_Oh, don't think I can't hear the sarcasm in your voice. But, does he really think that Merlin, of all people up here, will relieve him of his boredom? At the very least, Merlin's egotisticalness will kill Sirius again._

_Yeah, but you know Sirius. Never listens to reason. He always has to do his own thing._

_That's true. Well, I 'm going back to our story. Enough with delusional best friends, and boring old wizards..._

At nine in the evening I came out of my academic trance. I read through the seventeen short essays I had just written for Arithmancy class. I stretched slowly, reaching my arms way up high. After being cramped over my parchment for so long, I was stiff and sore-necked.

I glanced around the common room, silently appraising the other Gryffindors, mostly first and second years, who were talking and joking loudly. There was no sign of any studying or homework being done. Of course I was one of the few students in the school, however, who had actually done any homework today. Most would leave it until tomorrow morning over breakfast, or even later. With take over week almost on top of us, most teachers had assigned work that was due in a week. Still, they might have gotten some done.

Ah, well. Not my fault if they failed. I sat down at the table again, and began to work on my Potions homework. I sunk back into the quietness of my own little world.

"JAMES!" A loud shout suddenly came from the common room entrance, making everyone (including me) jump. I turned around to see Sirius Black, soaking wet, his dark, chin-length hair dripping onto the carpet. In his arms were three very large vibrantly red boxes. Each had the word Zonko's written on the side in large flashing gold letters.

"I repeat," Black said, so loudly and excitedly, that my ears seemed to pop from the powerfulness of the sound, "Is there a man by the name of James Harold Potter, in this common room?"

He began to skip about the common room psychotically, singing a tuneless, and pointless, song, while clumsily juggling his oversized packages. Several people laughed. Not because he was doing anything particularly amusing. It was more like the kind of forced laughter that someone gives to a crazy maniac to soothe them into sanity. Or something like that.

For my part I wasn't surprised to see Black acting so crazily, I had gotten used to his insane behavior, but I was shocked to see Black on his own. Normally he and Potter were inseparable. To see him alone was like seeing someone without their head. Potter and Black being apart from each other, was just... Weird!

Fortunately we were saved from any more of Blacks crazed antics because at that moment Potter and Remus Lupin descended the dormitory stairs. Seeing Black dancing around, Potter began to laugh excitedly.

He called over to Black from the bottom step, over the heads of a large group of first year girls, who had clustered around him hopefully when they first saw him. "Oi, Padfoot! You ready?" Black nodded happily at his friend, and thankfully stopped dancing, but continued to bounce up and down on his heels, in a way that put me in mind, for some reason, of a dog that ecstatically shakes its tail.

Potter spread his arms wide and looked out over the assembled students. Black's riotous singing had drawn most of the house down into the common room, so there were several hundred people packed into the small room. Nervously, I put my books back on the table. This had all the makings of one of Potter's schemes. I felt a duty to stay put, so that I could break up any unnecessary revelry.

"Welcome," said James in a loud voice, "To the first Marauder sponsored party of the year!" He waved his wand and streamers and confetti burst out of the Zonko's boxes, while the lights dimmed, and loud music began blasting out of nowhere. Black and Pettigrew began to set up tables heavily laden with food.

Oh no. I thought. Not a Marauder party. They were famous for being loud, obnoxious, filled with hyper first years, and too much sugary food. The combination always resulted in horrible headaches the next morning.

"Silencioso!" I waved my wand, and the sound of the music was instantly gone. Another wave and the decorations evaporated. Immediately many people began to look around in surprise.

I jumped onto an armchair, to be more visible. "This party was not authorized by the headmaster!" I shouted over the heads of my fellow Gryffindors. "Tomorrow is a Monday. That means that we have classes tomorrow, and we would do well to get some rest. That means that I am calling this party off! Go to bed, all of you!"

Potter was staring at me with a strange expression on his face, as though he had never seen me before. I saw Lupin give a nervous glance over at him, as Potter started to speak. "Have no fear!" Potter called. I saw him cross his fingers behind his back, as he spoke to our fellow Gryffindors. "Professor Dumbledore is certainly in accord with this little gathering! We are most totally allowed... To PARTY!" The music began blasting again, and the walls were once again covered in streamers and balloons. Three first years screamed excitedly, and started to dance exuberantly.

I jumped off my chair and marched over to Potter. "Potter," I said, through gritted teeth, "Have you no decorum? No good sense? We are all going to be exhausted in the morning! No one will be able to think straight! We are taking over the school tomorrow! You are going to be in charge of Hogwarts for a week! Do you really want to start the week with a hangover?" I glared at him furiously.

"Excuse me, Miss Evans," said Potter quietly. He wasn't looking at me, but rather, had turned towards Lupin, and spoke to me out of the side of his mouth. "But I don't give a damn what you think about this party. We all could use some fun. You are under no obligation to be at this party. In fact, because you are such an obnoxious killjoy, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I was not intending to ruin my evening by having your irksome presence at these festivities. Good evening."

"Mr. Potter," I said coldly, grabbing his shoulders so that we were facing one another. Potter still wouldn't meet my eyes though, so I satisfied myself by glaring at his left ear. "I must let you know that I do not deem your repugnant festivities worthy of terminating. I do not frankly care whether you or anyone here becomes ill, in trouble, or incapable of normal speech tomorrow. I will not, however, respect your request, owing to the fact that I do not take orders from anyone!"

I performed a quick levitating charm on myself. I floated up so that I was floating five inches above the floor. "I am going however," I said slyly, "To follow you around the entire evening. As a prefect it is my job to ensure that this party stays safe and first-year friendly. And if that means that I have to follow you around for five hours, then so be it."

"EVANS!" Potter yelled, wheeling to face me for the first time. "YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!" I raised my right eyebrow cynically, crossing my arms and staring sardonically down at him. "AARGH!" Potter shouted. "NOW I REALLY AM GLAD THAT I STOPPED LIKING YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME!"

I let myself come back down to the ground. God, Potter was so infuriating! "YEAH, POTTER? WELL DON'T THINK YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE PERFECT, EITHER!"

"GOOD!"

"I HATE YOU!" I shouted back.

We were shouting loudly, but over the blaring music, no one heard us, except for Katherine and Bridget, and Lupin, and the three of them were looking nervously from one another to me and Potter.

"GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE!" Potter screamed.

"YOU'RE A PIG!"

"COW!"

"DAMN IT EVANS! GO AWAY!"

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" I wrenched back a dry sob. But, this was no time for tears. I had to focus on my anger: If I burst out crying I'd be in no condition to argue. "JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN BARELY FLY A BROOM DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE YOU!"

"AT LEAST I HAVE A TALENT! YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET! THE ONLY REASON YOU HAVE EVER PASSED A CLASS IS BECAUSE YOU'RE A BLOODY SUCK-UP!"

I'd had enough. I walked right up to Potter, leaned in close, and whispered so softly that no one but him could hear.

"I wish you were dead." I smacked him hard across the face and stormed up the stairs to my dormitory.

_Whoa. _

_Oh, hi Sirius. How was Merlin?_

_Pretty freaking boring. Man, you guys were messed up that year. But, you know, if only I'd heard you shouting. I could have helped the situation._

_You think? _

_Yep. I would have came over, and smeared you both with whipped cream._

_Uh, how would that have helped?_

_You guys would have both been so angry at me, that you would have forgotten to be angry at each other. _

_I don't think so. James, I can't believe that I ever called you a pig._

_Well, Lily, I can't believe that I ever told you to jump off a bridge._

_I know. Mmm, James. I'm glad that we go married. I couldn't imagine being here with anyone else._

_Me too. Because you're the--_

_Oh, yuck! Don't get all sentimental. Get a room. Or a cloud, or whatever. My gag reflex can only take so much. I might have start spraying some cootie blocker around here!_

A/N: AAAAAAA! I know it's been forever! Don't hurt me, please! I am so, so sorry!

It's summer though, or at least it will be for me on Wednesday, so you can hopefully expect more regular updates. That's not a promise, though. As I'm sure you're finding out, I am a terrible procrastinator...

I can't wait for chapter ten, though. Lily and James beginning take over week REALLY mad at each other! What fun!


	10. Eggs, Ketchup, Marshmallow, and Parsley

**Chapter 11:**

**Eggs, Ketchup, Marshmallow and Parsley**

**Disclaimer**: Not mine! Nope, it's not! It's, um, well, it's that lady who wrote it first. You know... That, uh, author. Sorry, Summer Vacation wrecks havoc with my memory...

Beep, beep, beep-beep-beep. Six o'clock in the morning. My alarm was going off, with its usual shrill call.

I sat up, stretched, ready to face an exciting day. The first day of take over of week! I had jumped out of bed, and was half way across the floor towards the loo when I remembered last night.

Potter. I gnashed my teeth furiously. What a jerk! How could I forgive his rudeness, and his insults, and his overbearing, filthy, infuriating, horrendous attitude? Ooo, I was mad! Can you tell that I was a wee bit peeved?

I would not admit how much our argument the night before had hurt me, though. We had never been so mean to each other. I could take teases, and friendly spats, but not an argument like that.

I tried to force out the memory of the tense night I had after leaving the party. I tried not to remember how long I had sat, curled on my bed, crying, wishing that someone would come up to the dormitory, so that I would not be alone in my misery over Potter.

It was useless, though, for me to try and force my self to forget how hurt my pride had been. I was unable, too, to drive from my mind the hatred for Potter which was coursing through my brain.

And now we had to spend a week together in charge of the school! What had seemed, two days ago, to be a lovely, exciting seven days, now stretched ahead of me in my mind, as a black desolate, and never-ending road of torture.

My mind was as dark and bleak as the clouds outside my window, as I sunk to the floor, and curled myself into a ball, wishing I could just melt into the carpet, and never have to face Potter again.

He thought I ruined everything! I was a loser in his mind! He had told me was stupid! My heart throbbed with anger and sadness. How could he think that I had ruined everything? He was the one who was so despicable!

"_YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST PERSON I EVER MET!" _I let out a quiet gasp of emotion as Potter's words reverberated in my mind. He sounded like an upset toddler!

And---wait! That was it! He was an immature prat. I had to remember that, and store that knowledge away deep inside of me. I couldn't let his insults get to me. And I could never stoop to his level. I had to be above Potter. I had to be stronger than him. And I was.

I made up my mind to never again let myself be angered by Potter. After all, he was an immature, and unskillful little boy. He deserved no anger from me, only professional pity.

I got to my feet slowly, but with forced dignity. I strode into the shower and turned the water on.

Three seconds later I jumped back out of the shower. Maybe I should try taking off my clothes first.

_Lily shnookums?_

_Call me that again, Sirius, and I swear I'll hex your eyebrows off. _

_Sheesh, sorry. But you should have seen your face. Ah, that was priceless! I was just wondering when you were going to get back the star of the story._

_And that would be?_

_Me, duh. With my stunning good looks, witty charm, and breathtaking coolitude I automatically assumed, correctly of course, that you were really telling a story about how peachy I was at school._

_Coolitude? Peachy? Oh, yeah Padfoot, you totally were the impressive guy at Hogwarts. _

_Hold on. Is that, no. Was that sarcasm? Whoo, you were so being sarcastic right there. James, you always had the cruelest sense of--- OH MY GOD, IT'S A FLYING SPACE MONKEY!_

_What? Where?_

_Huh? _

_Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!_

_Ha, ha. Very funny, Black--- not!_

_Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!_

_Sirius!_

_Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!_

_Black, so help me Merlin, I swear I'm going to shave your toenails off with a rusty spoon if you don't stop that right now!_

_Fine. Hee, hee, hee! You two are so gullible! That was brilliant! Oh, man, am I good!_

_Lily, I suggest that we just ignore the cretin for now. _

_That sounds like an excellent plan James. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. It was, um, and yeah. Kind of lost my train of thought there. James why don't you take over for now. I think that Sirius' crazed antics have made my head hurt._

_All right, Lily. So, it was the morning after, dun, dun, duh! THE PARTY! Oh, yeah, and it was also the first day of take over week..._

It was with a pounding headache that I awoke on Monday morning. My head felt as though it was being repeatedly hit with a dull ax. The first thought in my head that morning was that Butterbeer and spicy sausages aren't a good mix.

The next thing in my mind, though, was Evans.

Damn her! She was so infuriating! I gnashed my teeth furiously, but stopped quickly when it only my head throb harder. I moaned (quietly) instead. "Uuurgh." Her whole darn attitude last night made me want to scream. And I would have done so, had my ear drums not already been buzzing loudly. It seemed as though an out of tune orchestra of bumblebees had lodged itself in my cranium.

I rolled onto my back and stared morosely at the canopy. When had I ever done something bad to her? What had I done to deserve the horrible treatment that she had given me?

"I hate her," I said vehemently, but very softly so as not to disturb my splitting headache.

"Sorry, Prongs, didn't catch that," said a voice, very loudly, and much to close to me.

Through bleary eyes I looked to my right and saw Remus looking cheerfully at me through the bed hangings. A piercing beam of bright lamplight which blinded my vision, and sent a sharp jab of pain to the back of my head, cut through my tired gaze, as Remus tied the red velvet drapes back to the post.

A large mallet was now playing a loud samba in my head, which was undoubtedly about to sever in two, thanks to my horrendous migraine.

"Feeling all right?" Moony asked, in what I thought was an unnecessarily loud and perky voice.

"I'm going to kill Evans," I replied. Or at least that's what I meant to say. What came out actually sounded distinctly less intelligent.

"Mm gog ill Kevans." Apparently my tongue hadn't caught up with my brain yet. A night of Firewhiskey and pickled eggs can do that to a guy.

"Pardon?" Asked Remus, a bemused expression on his face. "Did you say something in English, or are you speaking from the confusing land of Hangover?"

"You shut up," I replied tersely. Or, as it seemed to Remus, I muttered, "Uz sud ap."

With a large effort I sat up and climbed out of bed. I stood, swaying slightly, and took a step forward.

My left foot, however, was not cooperating. It had contrived to become stuck behind one of my new trainers. I stumbled, whirling my arms madly, striking the hangings with my right arm, and knocking them over my head. I clawed at the fabric, and walked blindly into my dresser. The top two drawers fell out, knocking me, my dress robes and all sixteen pairs of my socks onto the floor.

There was a loud creak, a pause, and the bottom drawer slid out, landing painfully on my stomach.

"It's all Evans' fault," I said bitterly as Remus and Peter untangled me from the mess on the floor. Sirius was unable to help them as he was doubled on his bed, rolling helplessly around in loud fits of laughter.

"Uh," said Wormtail, confusedly. "That doesn't make any sense, James. Lily isn't even in this room."

I glared at him, and picked a large orange sock off my ear.

"I'd, ha, ha, ha, give your, hee, hee, hee, your triple salchow twist a twelve out of, ho, ho, ho, ten!" Gasped Padfoot, now curled in the fetal position, apparently paralyzed with amusement.

Peter looked even more confused, but with an uncertain glance at Sirius, burst into a sycophantical smile and nodded with enthusiasm. "Oh, right. Yep, that, um, thing you did was very, very, um, pretty!"

I looked over in despair at Remus. "This day is going to be horrible! You know, I'm not getting all emotional or anything, but how can I face Evans? She's a prat! A bloody idiot! A freaking little---"

"Beats me," interrupted Moony. "Have you tried ignoring-- Oh, wait, that's what you were trying to do last night when everything went, er, wrong." He rolled his eyes heavenward, as though asking why such a horrible thing had happened to me. Or maybe he was silently mocking my recent escapade through the dorm. It really could have been either one.

"Yeah," I said with disgust. "Everything went wrong last night."

"What about--" began Moony. He shook his head. "Nah, wouldn't work."

"What?"

"You know. Doing what you were doing before, and what you were doing before that."

"Say what?"

"Obviously she's not as--"

"Right, so if--"

"And if you just--"

"You think?"

"Might work."

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Sirius thundered.

"Dude, you--"

_Um, James, small interruption here._

_What, Lily? I'm in the middle of a quote right here._

_I know, but I think you're remembering this wrong._

_Huh? How would you know? You weren't there. Uh, were you?_

_No. But, see, when we were at Hogwarts no one would have said 'dude'. _

_We wouldn't have?_

_Of course not. That term didn't come into vogue until fifteen years after we had graduated. _

_Oh. Oops. It's a cool word, though._

_Be that as it may, it's a colloquial anachronism. _

_Okay, sorry. I won't use collugeel anach-- Um, akror-- Uh, anata-- Oh, never mind. I won't use words like that again._

_Thank you. You many now continue with the story._

_I am..._

"Man, Sirius, you obviously missed the subtle details of that conversation," said Remus.

"There were subtle details?" I asked with surprise.

"Yes, Prongs, there were." He turned to Sirius. "Padfoot, Prongs here is going to not ignore Evans. He is also, not going to lavish the huge amount of attention on her as he did before Operation Annihilate Frankfurters, or whatever the hell O.A.F. stood for. By treating Lily as though she is of little importance, but without being mean, he will show himself to be the superior life form."

"I will? I thought that we were agreeing that I was going to punch Evans for being so stupid, then Obliviate her memory, and make her date me."

Remus rolled his eyes. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. I wonder why.

Peter burped sagely, and said seriously. "You know, Remus, James' idea makes more sense. Why don't we do that?"

Sirius jumped onto the floor, still grinning broadly. "Because Prongs won't be able to make as big a fool of himself if he follows his plan."

I threw him a disgusted look. He threw a t-shirt at me.

"Get some clothes on. We're about to miss breakfast. Remember lads," he said, in an uncanny imitation of Slughorn, "We wouldn't want to miss the most important meal of the day, Wot, wot!"

I laughed and got dressed quickly. Even though I tried to force it out, in the back of my mind a dark cloud toward Evans still hovered. It was incredible to me how quickly my deep love for Evans had turned to hatred. The emotions of a teenage mind are a perplexing thing.

On the plus side though, my headache was gone. It must have been knocked out when I rammed into the dresser. I must remember to recommend that particular remedy to Poppy.

We were crossing the Great Hall to the Gryffindor table when I remembered the take over week. Today began the week in which I would have total control of the school! Excellent! Now, if I could just cause mayhem and mischief and prove myself to be a higher life form than Evans my life would be... would be... Oh man. I'm dead.

Evans had just walked into the hall, her red hair shining and a confident smile on her face. She walked with her shoulders back and head held high to the High Table and proceeded to sit in the chair usually occupied by Professor McGonagall.

As she piled her plate full of eggs, sausages and slices of grapefruit, she smiled serenely around that the chattering crowd of students, and her eyes flashed kindly at a first year gaping up at her.

A wave of nervousness and despair rushed over me as I looked up at Evans. The drops of sweat forming on my upper lip, and my fast-beating heart quickly realized what my slow-working brain had missed.

It was impossible for me to hate Evans. It wouldn't even be possible for me to continue to ignore her. She was my one true love, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Um, Remus," said Peter's voice from behind me. "Is James okay?"

My stupefied brain barely registered Moony's reply. "You mean besides the fact that he's drooling copiously, and singing a song in front of three-quarters of the school about how beautiful red-haired girls are when they eat scrambled eggs with ketchup, and looks like he's been hit in the face with a shovel? Yeah, I think he's okay."

"Oh, good," I heard Peter say. "I thought he might have fallen in love with Evans again, but I guess he's just been put under a Brain-Scrambling Charm."

_I was such an idiot. _

_Mm-hm._

_I was so stupid._

_Yep. You sure were._

_Hey, Padfoot! That's not helping! I was doing just fine berating myself over past stupidities._

_Hey, James?_

_What._

_This is boring._

_I'm not your personal nanny, Sirius. Go entertain yourself._

_Well, I was actually wondering if I could tell the story for a while._

_You?_

_Why not?_

_Because, um, because, er, because... Well, uh, actually I don't see why not. Lily, you got a problem with Sirius telling the story for a while? No? Good._

_Uh, isn't Lily asleep?_

_Yeah, but we'll pretend that she said yes._

_Right on. So, here goes the story of Lily and James' extremely pathetic life told through the eyes of the marvelous Sirius Black. That would be me, by the way..._

As James walked stupidly up to sit by Evans I grabbed my wand and began blasting Snape with a few hexes. Nothing too bad, just some Jelly-Legs and a couple of minor illegal curses. But, it's all in a morning's work. Right when I was about to sink my teeth into the oh-so-yummy chocolate steak that the house-elves had sent up for my special breakfast, a small insect appeared on the corner of my plate. It pulled out a ray gun (that's a very special Muggle wand that shoots red flashy lights) and began to fire at the assembled students. Within a few seconds, everyone was unconscious, except for me. Then the bug drew out a large green jelly bean and handed it to me saying---

_WHAT! Are you joking? That didn't happen!_

_Okay, okay, okay, okay! So it was a medium-sized pink jelly bean._

_There's no way in H-E-double hockey sticks that this actually happened._

_But it's way more interesting my way._

_But do we want interesting? No. We want facts. The TRUTH!_

_You're so boring, James._

_No, I'm just terribly in fear of the horrible wrath of the Lilykins._

_DON'T CALL ME THAT!_

_See what I mean? I mean, um, oh--- good you're awake!_

_How was your nappy, Lily?_

_Just fine thank you, but I have heard quite enough of your unbelievable inaccurate version of my tale. I will now continue the story..._

As I stepped out of the shower and went to pull on my school robes, I realized that I had just discovered one of the perks of being a teacher: you don't have to wear a uniform. Wrapping myself in a towel I rushed back into the dorm, where Bridget was unsuccessfully trying to wake Margaret up.

"Come on, Margaret!" Bridget said, as she pulled Margaret's blankets off her.

"Guess what? Guess what!" I shouted cheerfully. On the other beds I could see our dorm mates Hestia Jones and Marlene McKinnon awaking groggily. Perhaps I had shouted a little too early for six-thirty in the morning.

"What, Lily?" Asked Bridget, sitting resolutely on Margaret's feet. Margaret let out a sleepy moan of frustration, but remained firmly buried under her covers.

"Since we're teaching, we don't have to wear our uniforms! We can wear whatever we want!" I yelled gleefully. I dashed over to my trunk, and began to rummage in it for something to wear.

Margaret sat straight up, knocking Bridget off her bed. "No uniforms? I'm up!"

"Oh, good," I said, rummaging casually through my trunk.

Hmm. Not much to choose from. I gazed morosely into my trunk. I had half a dozen sets of dress robes, twelve dresses, five sets of dress robes, thirteen pairs of pants, twenty blouses, and fifteen pairs of shoes to wear. Let's see. Uh, that gave me 1,404,000 possible outfit combinations to wear. Crap.

Decisions frustrate me. It's so much easier when I came be told what to wear. Choosing outfits takes way too much brain power!

Twenty minutes later I decided on a pair of black dress pants, a vibrant blue blouse, and a pair of black high-heeled boots. With a casual wave of my wand I pulled my thick hair into a tight bun.

I appraised myself in the mirror. Very nice. McGonagall would look so much cooler if she dressed like this.

On my way to the door I pulled on a glossy black satin robe, and threw my bag over my shoulder.

I was ready to face the world. Or school. Or classmates. Or--- something.

_Okay, now that was just a lame----_

_Excuse me Sirius, but are you supposed to be talking?_

_Oh, a thousand pardons dear lady, I knewst not that the merest movement of mine lips would insult thee so grievously._

_Whatever. James, honey, do you want to take up the story from here?_

_Um--- No. _

_Yay! That's good! 'Cause I wanted to keep talking! Okay, so I grabbed my-- blah, blah, blah-- ready to face-- blah, blah, blah... Here we are----_

As I walked quickly through the halls my mind was so full of excitement and nervousness for my classes, that I scarcely noticed the falling snow outside the windows. I paid little attention to the large drifts which had accumulated next to the panes, nor to the blustery wind which roared outside.

There was only one thing on my mind at that point: Bacon! Oh, man, was I hungry!

Um, sort of.

Okay, so there were two things on my mind. The first was how incredibly hungry I was.

But the second and most important thing on my mind was trying to get down to the Great Hall without killing myself from nerves and anxiety. That took the form of a constant stream of encouragement and advice to myself.

"Good job, Lily. You're doing great. Keep walking. Right foot, left foot. Oops, ignore Filch. Shoulders back, head up. First Year! Smile. Smile. Smile. She's gone. Keep walking. I wonder where-- Nope! We don't think about Him. No reason to worry about little Potter. Right foot, left foot. Here's the Great Hall. Grab the handle, open the door. Breath, breath. Okay. Walk up through the students. Careful, don't trip on the flagstone. Good job. And-- sit."

I quickly piled my plate full of eggs, ketchup, sausage, and grapefruit. Tapping a few last drops of ketchup onto my sausages, I looked up to see a tiny little first year staring up in awe at me.

I smiled kindly down at him. After all, you could never know who would grow up to be your groupie someday. Best to begin cultivating fans early.

Returning to my food I moved quickly through my eggs and sausages, but stiffened when I realized just exactly what fruit I had absent-mindedly put on my plate: Grapefruit.

"Oh, yuck." A vision of Potter wearing a bra with grapefruit tucked in the cups flashed into my mind. I gagged.

No more grapefruit for me.

Ever.

I carefully put the grapefruit back into the bowl and withdrew a plum. Much better. As far as I was aware, Potter had never worn a plum in a girl's undergarment. I hoped.

As I was about to bite into my juicy plum I looked up to see none other than the dislikable Mr. James Potter.

He had a rather hungry look in his eye, and jaw was oddly slack. I couldn't help noticing a small string of drool creeping down the corner of his mouth. Oh man, can that boy ruin an appetite.

Remembering my pledge to prove my superior maturity, however, I quickly straightened up and smiled brightly at Potter.

"Good morning, James. How are you on this pleasant morning?"

"Pretty."

I did a double take. "Excuse me?"

Potter was staring vacantly at me. "You hottie." He drooled. Oh. My. God. James Potter has been transformed into a blabbering lunatic. And he's still in love with me?

Breathe Lily, breathe. Margaret and Bridget will get here soon. Just. Stay. Calm.

"Why thank you James," I said through gritted teeth. "Here." I handed him a napkin. "Use that to wipe your mouth with please."

"Cut eggs for cutie lady?" He wasn't speaking English. There was no possible way that the sounds coming out of his mouth could actually be considered words. Because I don't not want to believe I heard him say what I thought he had spoken.

At that moment though, I was saved from attempting to make conversation by the arrival of Sirius Black.

With a roguish grin he bounced over to Potter, slapping him heartily on the back.

"How's it goin' mate?" Black asked jovially.

Black's appearance seemed to jar Potter back into reality. With a horrified look on his face, he wiped the droll off his mouth, and hurriedly sat straighter in his chair, not looking me in the eye.

"I'm okay, Padfoot," Potter muttered.

I shook my head condescendingly. Boys. They are so stupid! They can be so infuriatingly dense! And then other times you want to kiss him hard! Not that, of course, the latter part applied in anyway whatsoever to Potter. How revolting! No, Potter was purely the former: the I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-Y stupid boy who always made you wonder how he'd actually made it this far in the morning with out his security blanket. I was pulled out of my musings, though, when I heard a loud yell of "Oi, Snivelly!" coming from beside me.

Turning quickly to my right I saw Snape walking past the Head Table. Potter stuck his arm under the table so that Black and myself were the only ones who could see, and with a flip of his wand, tripped Snape.

Snape fall down hard onto the cold flagstones, and the Great Hall erupted with laughter.

"Hey, Sirius," said Potter. "Ask me how my day is now! Because my mood has just severely improved."

I pulled myself to my feet. Snape was already standing too, and had his wand pointed angrily at Potter.

"That's enough, Mr. Snape," I said quickly. I didn't want Potter dead before I could admonish him.

"You can't tell me what to do you filthy Mudblood," Snape growled.

I blinked. "Fine, don't thank me then." I turned back to Potter. "Detention, Mr. Potter!"

He stared open-mouthedly at me. "Wha- wha-!"

"You heard me! Mr. Filch's office! Tonight!"

"Sorry Lilykins," Potter said smoothly, winking at Black, "But you can't give the headmaster detention." He smirked at me, and tried to rumple my hair.

Ducking his hand I quickly regained composure and continued to stare, stony-faced at him.

"Very well, Mr. Potter. Apologize to Mr. Snape. Immediately!"

Potter looked like I'd just slapped him in the face. His lips twitched, and the blood drained from his face.

"Fine," He turned to look down at Snape, who was still glaring at him with loathing. "I apologize for upsetting the delicate internal balance of the love of my life."

I just couldn't take it. I picked up my book-bag, and as gracefully as I could, stormed out of the Great Hall, making sure that I tripped Potter on my way out.

I can only take so much. And somedays, being hearing that you're the love of a slobbering delinquent's life, is too much.

_Ha! That was funny!_

_Well, it wasn't intended to be, Mr. Black._

_Oh, well I laughed anyways. Hey, hey, can James tell a bit now? Because if I remember right, his part coming up is even funnier!_

_I don't mind. Do you want to tell a bit, dear?_

_Sure, whatever. You know, I'm still sore from when you tripped me..._

"Mr., Mr. Potter?" The snot-nosed boy asked me, tremulously, a few minutes after Evans had stormed out of the Great Hall and I had picked myself, and my remaining dignity, off the floor.

"Uh, yeah?" It could never do to be to nice to the shrimpy ones. I mean, the idea was for them to cower in your awesome might, and bow down in respect. Definitely NOT the other way around.

"Professor Dumbledore sent you this. He said you were to, um, attend to it immediately," the kid gulped.

"Thanks. Okay, you're dismissed." I opened the scroll that the first-year had handed to me. In scrolling, looped handwriting it read:

**Mr. Potter,**

**As you are going to be Headmaster this week, you are entitled, and welcome, to use my office. I would strongly advise you to change the password, however. To do so, merely tap the smallest flagstone in front of the door and speak whatever you wish the new password to be. **

**You're welcome, and good luck.**

**With all due respect,**

**Albus Dumbledore**

"All right!" I dashed out of the Hall and sprinted toward Dumbledore's office. This was going to be excellent! My own office! The perfect place to plan top-secret pranks! Right on!

Twenty minutes later I was sitting head in hands in front of the entrance to Dumbledore's office, unable to think of a password.

As I watched a storm of snow flying through the air outside, I struggled to make my brain think. Suddenly, a flash of long, vibrant red hair appeared in my mind. Nothing like a little romantic motivation.

I walked up to Dumbledore's door and tapped the smallest flagstone. It was tiny. I mean really, it was more of flag-pebble.

Straightening up I said in a loud voice, "Lily-Evans-is-the-goddess-for-whom-the-stars-shine-and-the-earth-trembles-for-she-is-as-radiant-as-a-setting-sun-over-a-glassy-ocean-and-the-ground-upon-which-gloriously-sexy-body-treads-is-sacred-above-anything-else," I paused. "P.S.-Snivelly-sucks!"

Now that was a truly world-class, kick-a password! I cleared my throat to recite it, so that I could enter my office.

"Lily Evans is a goddess and the stars shine for her, and she's hot, and I hate Snape?" Oh, shit! I'd forgotten it.

Yeah, that sucked. Oh, well. Reseting the password to the much shorter, but still effective, "I love Lily Evans," I bounded up the revolving staircase. It was time to plan some Marauding!

----------

Moonlight shone through the windows, illuminating the cold, snow-covered grounds outside as my fellow Marauders and I snuck down to the kitchens later that night, halfheartedly covered in the Invisibility Cloak.

"James," whispered Peter, pulling his elbow out of my ear, while trying to avoid being stepped on by Remus. It was after all, just a little crammed under the cloak. "I think we've kind of outgrown this thing, don't you?"

I rolled my eyes sarcastically, and tugged the cloak down a little lower so that it would at least hide our shins. "Oh, no, Peter. I think it still covers all four of us splendidly."

"Huh?"

"Forget it," I said, as we tip-toed through the next hallway though, I had a sudden, brilliant realization. Of course for me, I get those every other thought, but you know, it would have been an unexpected flash of genius for anyone else.

I came to a halt and threw the cloak off. Remus turned and looked at me, as though I had gone mad.

"Have you gone mad?" He whispered harshly. Wow. He's pretty predictable.

"No, doofus," I said happily. "I'm the headmaster, remember? And last time I checked, the headmaster was allowed to do whatever he wants! Even--"

Sirius finished the sentence for me. "Even strolling illegally through the corridors at midnight with a bunch of his chums!"

I grinned satisfactorily. "Padfoot, evil minds think alike!" I set off down the hallway again. As I walked I said loudly, "OH, WELL, IT SURE IS A NICE EVENING TO _WALK THROUGH THE HALLWAYS_! BUT THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME! RIGHT GUYS!" I turned and smiled at my pals.

"RIGHT JAMES," shouted Peter. "WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT, SINCE YOU'RE THE HEADMASTER! I CAN EVEN PICK MY NOSE WITH REMUS' PENCIL AND NO ONE WILL CARE!"

There was a long pause. Some where, a cricket chirped.

"Ookay," Said Moony with a nervous laugh, after several seconds of strained silence in which we all stared, gaping at Wormtail. "Almost to the kitchens?"

"Uh, yeah," Sirius said. "Hey, I have a question: Why does everyone call it the kitchens? I mean there's only one kitchen. What's the deal with that? I mean, we don't call it the Greats Halls!"

Fortunately we were saved from any more of Wormtail's disgusting hygienic habits or Padfoot's idiotic musings, by our arrival at the picture of the fruit bowl. Tickling the pear, I pulled hard on the handle, and led the way into the kitchen. Or kitchens. Which ever you prefer.

I headed over to the head house-elf, Koodle. She was always happy and willing to give us whatever food we wanted, so long as we remembered never, ever, never, ever, ever, never, never, ever, ever, **ever**, to pay her. House elves don't like money, or salaries or anything. I've never really understood that. Maybe they have a fear of accountants.

Anyway, Koodle immediately began to fill a large basket with the many items on the list I had handed her.

"Planning a new prank, Master Potter, sir?" Asked one of the elves adoringly.

"Um, yes. Actually, I have a feeling that it's going to be one of our greatest pranks ever!" I nodded thoughtfully. That was what I liked about house-elves. You could tell them anything and, if they liked or respected you, they would never tell a soul.

"I think your items is all ready now, Master Potter, sir," squeaked Koodle. "Would you like anything to eat?"

"Sure, thanks. I'll have a cream puff and some fried chicken."

"Bacon platter," called Remus.

"Chocolate cake," answered Peter.

"Two guavas, a handful of fresh parsley, and a jar of marshmallow whip."

Remus, Peter, all of the house elves and myself stopped what we were doing to stare at Sirius. "Padfoot, that is the most disgusting midnight snack I've ever heard of!" Remus said.

Picking up the items that Koodle had just handed him, a look of horror on her tiny face, Sirius smiled. "Well, duh. It would taste terrible if you were going to eat that! But I'm not going to eat that."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, that's cool. I mean 'cuz that stuff would probably give you wicked indigestion. And man, I do **not** want you farting up our dormitory. But what are you going to use it--"

Sirius cut me short. "We're out of shampoo, James." I gave him a blank look. "Well, I don't know what you do when you're out of shampoo, but frankly nothing puts shine in my hair like a nice Marshmallow-Parsley lotion!" He gathered his things and headed towards the door.

As we followed him out into the dim corridor, I thought about asking him what the guavas were for. With Padfoot, though, somethings are better left unasked.

**A/N: **Woohoo! Longest chapter yet! Oh yeah, oh yeah! Don't think that I just sat down and wrote it all today, though. This has been in the works for a long time, and I just put the finishing touches on it today.

For all of you have been asking for romance, I'm sorry for delaying it so long. However... Drum Roll Please... I can tell you that next chapter, FOR SURE, things will definitely start to heat up between Lily and James. I mean, really, what else could you expect from a Headmaster and Headmistress. You think they wouldn't get the hots for each other? Not that I think Dumbledore and McGonagall are getting it on somewhere, though. Just had to make that clear.

Anyway, be patient for chapter eleven. And enjoy the beginnings of summer!


	11. CPR For Dummies

**Chapter eleven:**

**CPR For Dummies**

**Disclaimer: **There is no possible way that the amazing world of Harry Potter (characters, setting, magic, and Butterbeer etc.) could have been made by anyone less as intelligent as J.K.R. (and unfortunately, I fall into the category of lessor intelligence).

**A/N: **When Lily talks about how cold it is, I want to make it clear that she's talking about Celsius, not Fahrenheit. I myself use the latter, but I know that over in the U.K. they use Celsius, so that's the system Lily is using.

"Good Morning, class!" I said brightly to the crowd of first years piling into my room for Charms.

After an extremely successful first day of takeover week, I was not worried in the slightest about my first class that Tuesday. I mean, first years? How much trouble could a bunch of eleven year olds be?

Famous last words.

"So I think that he actually does kind of..."

"Screech! Bam! Woosh! Kazam!"

"Look at this: I can stick my wand up my..."

"Give me it back! I told you that I don't wanna let..."

"My mum was going to hex this chicken, but..."

"And so then this guy, like, flew through the window and his head, like, totally burst into..."

A rush of conversations flew at me as the class took its seats. They looked so small and innocent. I sighed, remembering back to my first year. How long ago that seemed. Back before Potter was obsessed with me, and he was merely just another cootie-infected boy.

Come on Lily, I told myself sternly. Snap out of it. Let's go. Time to teach. You can daydream later. Not of course that Potter is a sentimental part of your reminiscent daydream. He's an idiot who should be pitied. Right? Of course. Oh, cripes, just start teaching already.

"My name is Miss Evans," I said confidently to the many faces gazing up at me. "And I will be your Charms teacher this week. Now, when I call your name please say Present in a loud, clear voice. If you are not here today I would obviously prefer that you inform me of your absence." Several students laughed, while the others grinned. Good. Nothing like a little joviality to endear the students.

After running through the roll I call I cleared my throat, and began the lesson. "Today we are going to work on the fairly simple _Lumos_ spell." I wrote the word Lumos on the board behind me, and underlined it. "Can anyone tell me what Lumos--" I spotted a raised hand. "Yes?"

A tiny girl with dark brown dreadlocks and thin wire-framed glasses looked brightly up at me. "The Lumos spell is a beginner level charm which, when executed properly, produces a bright beam of light from the user's wand," she said hurriedly.

I took a step back. I wasn't used to facing direct quotes from The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1). Then I grinned. She sounded a bit like me, really. Except for the memorizing the textbook part. I was never _that_ dedicated (i.e.: mental).

"Well done. Thank you. And your name is--"

"Melody Bridgespot," the girl replied softly.

"Very good, Melody. Five points to, um, what house are you in?

"I'm in Ravenclaw." Figured. All the insanely smart ones were.

"Oh, right, then. Five points to Ravenclaw." I turned back to the chalkboard as the class broke into giggles. "As Miss Bridgespot correctly identified, Lumos is a light-casting spell. The principals of the spell are simple. A quick jerk of of the wand while saying _Lumos_ in a clear voice produces a large beam of light." I turned back to the class. "Write that down please."

"Um, can you repeat that?" Asked a pudgy boy in the back row.

"Of course," I said cheerfully. "_Lumos _is a light-casting spell. It is produced by a---"

A voice from the middle of the room called out, "I don't have any ink!"

"Oh, well can you please share with your neighbor? Now, then. As I was saying, Lumos is produced by a jerk of---"

"I can't!"

"I'm sorry? You can't what?"

"I can't share my neighbor's ink."

Was his neighbor a leper? Or was she, gasp, a member of that vile and loathed species, GIrls? Pre-teen boys could be **so** vexing. "Why on earth not?"

The tiny boy with wavy blond hair stood up. He crossed his arms across his chest, and I saw him smirk at the red-haired girl next to him. "I bloody well can't borrow some of my neighbor's ink, because my neighbor lives in Yorkshire, and is probably walking her Shar-Pei right now, and is no where near a bottle of ink that I could borrow!" The class erupted in laughter. With what I thought was a Herculean effort, I restrained from rolling my eyes.

I marched down the aisle and placed a bottle of ink on the cheeky little blighter's desk. "There you are." I turned to head back up to the front of the room. From out of nowhere, a leg shot out, and I tripped, tumbling head first onto the floor.

There was another explosion of laughter, mixed with a smattering of amused applause for the person who was attached to the leg that I had so neatly fallen over.

I stood up slowly. I wanted to laugh: I mean I certainly could see how funny it was from the students point of view. If someone had tripped a teacher in one of my classes, I would have been hard put to refrain from bursting out laughing. But, someone had to maintain order. Someone had to make sure that the students continued to respect the teachers. _Someone_ had to ensure that completely classes did not consist of complete pandemonium. Really, though, it probably shouldn't have been me.

I forced my face into a stern scowl and straightened up to face the students. I strode back to my desk. "Everyone will open their books to page 134. You will _silently_ copy what Goshawk has to say on the theory of the Lumos charm. Next you will summarize the thirteen main points of the charm's history, and write a brief essay on the charm's origins and execution." The class groaned loudly. I stared sternly down at them. "When one person steps out of line, everyone is disciplined. Keep that in mind." I continued to glare at the first years until they had all pulled out their books and parchment.

With a burst of pride at having effectively managed an outburst of chaos, I walked sedately back to my desk and sat down.

Three seconds later I had jumped out of my seat and was staring down at the wet, squishy and now somewhat flattened flobberworm that I had just sat upon.

To my vexation, the class laughed heartily. I glared at them. "Put away your books," I said through clenched teeth. "We're having a pop quiz." There was a shuffling of papers and mumbled grumbling, but the class obediently closed their books. Picking up a piece of chalk, I wrote on the chalkboard:

**Who came up with the concept of the Lumos spell?**

**What is its counterpart?**

**Name and describe the eight possible defensive uses of this spell.**

**Extra credit: Who put a flobberworm on Miss Evans' chair? **

Instead of returning to my now-gooey and damp seat I stood in the middle of the classroom watching the students scribbling frantically on their papers. I looked out the window with a sigh. This was not going as well as I had hoped. Oh, well. One bad class out of the whole day could be managed. At least they were behaving now.

I looked back at the students to see Melody Bridgespot patiently raising her hand. I hurried over to her. Of all of the students she hadn't laughed when I had been pranked. I could only think therefore that she was the nicest person I had met all day. In my desperate mind she deserved an award for least-cruel person on earth.

"Yes, Miss Bridgespot?" I whispered, bending down to talk to her, and was promptly drenched in a bucket of water from behind.

As could have been predicated, the rest of the class went straight downhill from there. Before the bell rang I was bombarded with chalk; had my desk set on fire twice; faced with students hanging from the rafters; and had several pieces of Droobles' Best Blowing Gum stuck into my hair.

By the end of the class the only satisfying thing that I could say about it was that I managed to give detentions to the entire class with the exception of Melody Bridgespot who had worked diligently throughout the bedlam, and a boy named Roderick Lucas who had slept through the whole period. As he hadn't actually taken part in the havoc I felt that his napping was completely excusable. At least he hadn't taken part in the Longest-Drool contest that had taken place in the right back corner of the room.

_Okay Lillers, you're done now. _

_What! I was barely beginning! I mean the rest of the day went so well! Why can't I tell more?_

_Because I want Potter to do some. He promised that he'd skip to the staff meeting that night. _

_Ugh. Don't remind me of that horrible incident._

_Um, sorry, Lily. I'm going to. _

_Fine James. Be that way._

_But it's so important._

_Can't we just cut to after the meeting?_

_Geez, Lily. I have to set up our dramatic first---_

_Okay. Whatever. Just get on with it._

_As you wish..._

"Good evening, thanks for being here, blah, blah, blah." It was the end of the second day of takeover week. I had recently woken up from a three hours of chocolate-induced lethargy and as a result was feeling laid-back and energized. Kind of conflicting emotions, I know, but chocolate can do a lot of unexpected things. Like-- Well, this one time it involved toilet paper and crocodiles. And raging, lunatic drunken kittens, not that I'm giving too much away, mind. It's a pretty funny story. Remind me to tell it sometime. Just not now. There was too much other interesting drama going on. Even bigger than drunk Siamese kittens.

"This staff meeting was called," said Evans brightly, "To discuss how takeover week is going as of yet, and to share any important incidents that have occurred." That's my girl, I thought. She's so, so-- assertive! I tried not to sigh too dreamily.

Next to me Padfoot whispered, "Lily, O, Lily. Wherefore art thou Lily?" in a mocking tone. I trod rather heavily on his toes. His whimpers of pain interrupted Evan's friend Margaret's report on how the Arithmancy classes were progressing. I put on my best innocent face, and begin to carve my initials into the arm of the high-backed chair I was siting in.

Five carved snitches, seven embossed broken hearts, and thirteen scratched L.E. + J.P.s later, I finally heard Evans say my name.

"Now I believe that James Potter, our," Evans coughed, "Headmaster, has a few words he'd like to share with us." She smiled in what I could only hope was not a patronizing manner at me, as I hauled myself to my feet.

"Thanks, Evans." I leaned casually back against the wall, my arms folded and my head tipped broodingly towards the ceiling. It's a very dashing look of contemplative authority. And hell, after practicing it forty-three times in front of my mirror and Peter, it looked bloody marvelous, if I do say so myself. And I do. Not that I am self-conceited or anything. Right. I've already been over this. I just know how absolutely gorgeous and cool I am.

Drawing a casual hand through my freshly washed hair (which smelled faintly of coconuts), I stared lazily into the fire. "Well, it sounds like everyone's been doing just a smashing job so far."

Behind my I heard Remus mutter, "When has he ever used the word _smashing_ before?"

"---And I hope you continue doing great. Incidentally, though, I happened to walk past the Charms classroom this morning, Evans, and could have sworn I heard demonic laughter. Was everything all right?"

Evans clenched her teeth and clasped her hands together so tight her knuckles went white. "Oh, my first years were just being, um, exuberant during their lesson today. Everything was completely under control. Thank you so much for your concern."

I turned to her friend Bridget and whispered, "Is she lying? I mean I think she might be, but I really can't tell, but you know that---"

Bridget rolled her eyes at me and muttered something to Margaret that sounded distinctly like "What an idiot." Though I could have been mistaken.

"Well, um, that's good that nothing was wrong," I stared fascinated at Evans' hair. It was so shiny-looking in the candlelight, so red and so smooth that I found myself with a deep, desperate longing for... Tomato soup. Maybe after I'd pranked Filch tonight, I would go down to the kitchens and get some creamy tomato soup. Yum.

I leaned back against the wall again, tilting my head again to stare around the room at the assembled crowd. "I think that just about raps this meeting up. But I would like to give you the password into my office just in case you ever feel in need of advice, encouragement, or butterscotch brownies." I grinned. Koodle kept me well stocked with deserts. "The password for my office is, and I'm sure that this will be easy to remember since it's a sentiment that we all share, is _I Love Lily Evans_."

There was a loud audible silence, if silence can be heard. Then there was a tremendous and resounding thud as Padfoot fell off his chair in silent and forcible laughter.

I looked over at Evans, and to my surprise saw that she was standing, white-face and shaking. Someone near her muttered, "Uh-oh."

Uh-oh indeed.

"Thank for that incredibly thick-headed complement, Mr. Potter," said Lily in a cold voice. Everyone else in the room immediately backed their chairs away from the two of us. Evans stepped closely to me and began to whisper in a harsh, cold whisper.

"Has it ever crossed your mind that perhaps your never-ending stream of affection is unwanted or misguided?" she whispered roughly. "Can you not go for a day without another pathetic attempt at winning my attention? Why do you not understand that---" She drew a deep breath and slowly lowered her arms to her sides. "Mr. Potter," she continued, her voice rising from a whisper. It was very close to shrieking, "for the past several years you have directed all of your attention towards me. Many people know me only as The Girl Who James Potter Likes. I am sick, no, exhausted of you trying to make me go out with you. Stop making me the object of your affection!"

"Oh God, now she's yelling," whispered a cowering seventh year. Several people began creeping towards the door.

"Oh, don't leave on my account," Evans said sweetly to the retreating students, before wheeling around furiously to face me again.

"I have had enough of you Potter! I have tolerated your affections! Yes I have yelled at you, but I always maintained a glimmer of hope that you were a decent person underneath. But, I just can't take it any more!"

I stared at her in disbelief. Was this really just about a password? I hadn't thought it would make her mad. I was in love with her for God's sake. Why the hell couldn't she see that!

"I never wanted to overwhelm you or--"

"Well, frankly you did! Potter you insult me with your obsession! Do you hear me? To have such a despicable person as yourself, spending every waking moment thinking about me makes me sick! Why can't you leave me along?"

"Damn it, Evans! How hard is it for you to understand that I'm not just trying to stalk you or something! I like you so much that I even tried to **stop** liking you so that you could be happy! If I make you sick, well, so what? You don't understand the meaning of love---"

The only ones left in the room now where Sirius, Remus, Margaret and Bridget who had begun a game of Exploding Snap, clearly anticipating this to be a long argument.

"Potter, why would I be able to understand the meaning of love? No one's ever given me a chance, since you've always been pretending to be in love with me! I have no love-life thanks to you! Your mere presence is stifling my life! Why can't you leave me alone?"

"I'll never leave you alone! Not ever! I just want to protect you and, and... Hell, I don't know! I wouldn't give you up for a million pogo-sticks!"

Evans gave a demented shriek of hysterical laughter. "Ha! You think you're so funny! Just, just stay away from me, all right? Go, go live a life that doesn't have me in it! You never will have a chance, James Potter! Just accept that! God dammit, I hate you, and you won't bloody leave me alone!" She looked at me with such loathing and disgust that I thought my heart would tear in two, like the carvings I had drawn on my chair. Evans gasped wildly, tears dripping down her face and ripped open the door, flinging herself out into the hallway.

I glanced over at my friends. They were staring at me. "Um, we got all that stuff from the kitchens last night. Want to, uh, go prank Filch?" mumbled Sirius.

I jammed my hands in my pockets and strode toward the door. "No. I'm... Going for a walk."

As I left I heard Sirius muttering confusedly about how perplexed he was about this whole situation. "I mean, who doesn't want to prank Filch?"

_Oh. My. Lord. Oh, James._

_Yeah._

_Oh, honey, I didn't remember it was that bad. _

_It was. I just couldn't, I couldn't... I never really even understood why you were so mad, and---_

_I don't know either. I just sort of felt... Tired. I was tired of you in my life, I guess. And even a million pogo sticks wasn't going to cut it. May I please take over?_

_With manners like that? James your wife is way too stuffy to be talking!_

_Sirius! You are ruining my and Lily's moment here! Lily, of course you may continue the story. Just ignore me while I pummel Padfoot._

_Do try not to rip his celestial robes. You know how hard they are to repair..._

The grounds of Hogwarts glittered as the setting sun illuminated the soft, smooth, snow covered grounds. Icicles hung heavily from the snowy boughs of trees. Not a sound could be heard throughout the peaceful, calm wonderland the snow had created.

Which is why it kind of sucked that I plowed right through the snow, trampling it down, and breaking several icicles from the trees as I stormed through the grounds. My trail looked like the vicious looked like the sight of a massacre of snowflakes.

Their tiny, wet, silver screams went unheard though, as I stomped down towards the frozen lake. I was so angry that I felt little of the cold, despite the fact that ice was beginning to crystalize on my inappropriately attired shoulders.

The tears that were splashing down my face tinkled merrily to the ground as miniscule ice cubes, shattering the moment they hit the hard snow. I hardly knew why I was so upset, just that I was wishing that the lake wasn't covered in ice and snow, or I would have shoved Potter into its deepest, darkest, coldest, most squid-infested depths. The least I could do was kill him in effigy.

Pulling a large pine cone from a nearby tree, I shoved two pine sprigs into the side.

"Okay," I told it. "You are the ugly and cruel and vicious and all-around obnoxious James Potter." I picked up a sharp icicle. "And now you will die." I jammed the icicle down onto the center of the pine cone.

And the ice shattered. Three more successive tries left me panting slightly from exertion and frustration. Just as in my life, my mini-Potter would not leave or fade away. Or in this case, turn into crusty pine cone crumbs. Though it would be infinitely more desirable if I could have that effect on the actual James Potter. The hard part would be finding an icicle thick enough to pierce his dense skull...

I almost laughed. My anger was ebbing away now, and was being replaced with, well, I wasn't sure WHAT I was feeling. Part of me was feeling so remorseful I wanted to start crying again, while another part of me was ready to hire a mercenary to knock off the annoying loser who was Potter.

Needless to say, I was one conflicted little lady. My brain wasn't in such turmoil, however, that I couldn't register the cold. Far from it. With the departure of my frustration, the internal fire that had steamed and warmed as I raged, had gone too. I suddenly realized just how freaking cold it was. And how little warmth a wool mini-skirt and cotton button-down short gave. Despite my knee socks, I was shocked to discover myself shivering. I suppose that negative-four degree temperatures can do that to a girl.

My teeth chattering, I turned and headed back towards the castle, knowing that although Potter might be in the common room, preening his ego in a tale that featured me as the ultimate bitch, I was bettered off in a warm cozy armchair by a roaring fire listening to his lies, then freezing out in knee-deep snow.

My ranting, tear-driven march had taken me to the far side of the lake, and I was nearly halfway around the ice-covered water when I spotted a lone figure tramping towards me.

Who would be crazy enough to come out into this blistering cold weather at seven-thirty in the evening? I mean, besides myself.

As I kept walking I noticed that whoever was coming towards me seemed to be shaking. Perhaps from the cold, but from the way his/her/its shoulders were heaving I thought that the guy/girl/enchanted inanimate object might be crying. They were walking very slowly and with seemingly no care as to which direction they went. Abruptly the figure kicked a clump of snow into the air and turned to their right. Which meant that my mystery person was walking directly out onto... the Lake!

Which was okay since everyone knew that the lake was frozen solid this winter.

Which is why it was such a shock when the figure let out a cry of surprise and fell straight through the ice.

"Oh, damn," I whispered. I looked around. No one else was near, and there was no way that anyone at the castle would be able to hear me if I tried to call for help. It was up to me to save whoever it was. I sprinted dramatically over the snow.

And tripped on a large snow-covered boulder, and fell face down in the snow. If they ever make a movie of my life, I can only hope that that's one moment that will be left out.

Shaking the snow out of my ears and rubbing the circulation back into my kneecaps, I continued more carefully over to the edge of the lake. A large gaping icy hole drew my attention to the middle of the lake.

Yet another situation in which "Oh, damn" seemed very appropriate. How on earth was I suppose to rescue someone from the very middle of a snow-covered, fathoms deep lake?

Unbidden, from somewhere deep in my mind something screamed at me, _Are you mad? Are you a witch or not?_

Duh.

Grasping my wand in my now-frozen fingers I clumsily pointed it in the direction of the jagged hole.

"Accio, um, drowning person," I muttered, having little idea who it was that I was saving. My numb fingers and feet were begging though that whoever it was, that they would be able to compensate me in limb re-heating surgery, since apparently all the blood in my body at been reduced to thin, plasma-filled popsicles.

With a rushing, popping noise a large wet body came hurtling out of lake, interrupting my ice-covered musings. I stepped backwards and the body fell wetly at my feet landing on its back.

"Oh, no." Had my pine cone voodoo doll worked?

God, I hate a dilemma. Ethically it wouldn't be good to not help someone who had just fell through a lake. But in order to remain in good moral standings was I to ignore the insults that my ego and heart had been subjected to early this evening?

For lying white-faced, not a single breath left in his body, clearly about to suffer from hypothermia was, you guessed it, the spawn of Satan.

Better known to the rest of the world as James The-Source-Of-All-Evil-And-Pigheadedness Potter.

I knew that if he was anyone else I would already be kneeling in the snow checking for sounds of a heartbeat. I knew that if I was anyone else I would already be administering first aid to Potter.

And I wasn't.

All of the sudden a vision of dark funeral home came into my mind. A low, somber voice was saying sadly, "Too bad he had to die. If only she had done something to save him."

With an exasperated grimace I lowered myself to my knees next to Potter. I might hate him, but I wouldn't be responsible or his death.

"James! James! Can you hear me?" I called loudly to his frozen body. No response. Ah, well. Can't really say that I'd expected him to jump up and offer my tea and scones.

Looking at Potter I realized that I had better act quickly before I had to attend his funeral. I remembered back to that book I read back in fourth year, CPR For Dummies. I needed to look for breathing. That was a negative. Definitely no breath from Mister Potter.

"Shit," I murmured. Tilting his head carefully back I gently opened his mouth. I leaned over Potter and, covering up this nose I blew carefully into his mouth. "Two breaths, fifteen compressions," I muttered to myself after two long steady breaths. I pushed down hard on Potter's chest. "And repeat," I thought as I began again to blow into Potter's mouth. If he would just start breathing again, I could magic him back up to the castle, Madam Pomfrey would care for him, I could go back to loathing him again, and everything would be just fine and dandy.

_My turn, my turn! _

_DId you pummel Sirius?_

_Actually all it took was a Full-Nelson and he was down._

_That's my boy. Or husband. Whatever. Go ahead. You tell a bit._

_Yay..._

I couldn't move. Everything was black and confusing. And I was cold, so cold. All I wanted to do was fall to sleep and never wake up. I could scarcely breath, but I could feel life rushing back into my body.

My eyelids flickered open a fraction of a centimeter. Through a haze I saw two pairs of almond-shaped green eyes very, very, very close to me.

Evans.

Lily Evans.

Who I'd made cry.

Who hated me.

Who loathed every fiber of my very being.

Who had her lips pressed very firmly down on mine.

If I hadn't been half-dead I would have screamed with joy.

As I lay motionless in shock, cold seeping through every pore in my body, my mind slipping in and out of consciousness I realized that Evans' kiss wasn't very comfortable, what with large bursts of her breath being forced down my throat.

Then I realized that she was now pressing down uncomfortably hard into my chest. Was she trying to grope me, or something? And wasn't she moving a bit fast? I mean, last time I checked, I was her mortal enemy. And technically, if I was half-dead, didn't that mean she was practicing necrophilia?

As she moved back to my face, she muttered "Come on Potter. Don't die. Don't die. That wouldn't be very bloody grateful of you."

As my frozen brain slipped back into unconsciousness I had a thought. Either Lily Evans was the creepiest and worst kisser ever, or she was saving my life.

For both our sakes, my life and her reputation, I seriously hoped it was the latter.

**A/N:** Ta-da! I know I said that this chapter would have more romance, and in a way it did, but this whole CPR thing came to me abruptly, and I just had to use it. So, I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone, but I really enjoyed this chapter! And I hope you did too! I would have updated sooner, but being in Canada for two weeks, having to take Summer P.E., swim team, running, and just finding time to take a breather, have consumed most of my time so far. I hope you like this chapter, and just be patient about updates as always.

Love to you all,

Sarah (Lucinda)


	12. Pudding or Potter?

**Chapter Twelve**

**Pudding or Potter?**

**Disclaimer:** None of this is mine. Duh. I'm just a crazy runner who happens to write random fluffyish fanfics. Not a multimillionaire named JoAnn Rowling. Obviously. Oh, and Tootsie Rolls are not mine. They are owned by... Um, well, they're owned by however the heck it is who makes Tootsie Rolls.

I awoke slowly to the sound of feverish whispering . All around me seemed to be a black extension of nothingness. I couldn't move my body. I was trapped in some strange dimension. Then I remembered to open my eyes.

My mind was blurry and everything seemed sort of out of focus and dim as though someone had stretched a marshmallow thin, then placed it over my eyes.

Mmm... Marshmallows...

I gazed around me, trying to determine why I was imprisoned in a room with hideous floral wall paper. Dying cotton begonias were not a very reassuring sight to awaken to.

A second inspection revealed the ghastly flowers to be curtains. So apparently I had been transported, or perhaps kidnapped, then placed into a cruel torture laboratory where victims were made to stare at increasingly distasteful curtains until succumbing to insanity.

Unless that wasn't the case. My foggy brain was slowly piecing together images of recent events.

A girl shouting from next to a roaring fireplace.

Tears falling down the face of a beautiful redhead.

Someone lying pale as death in the snow.

An awkward kiss.

It sounded like a bad soap opera. Yet was oddly familiar. Had the vile aliens who had imprisoned me here also forced me to subconsciously watch reruns of old Muggle soaps? For the sake of my remaining brain cells, I hoped not.

But, wait. The whispering from outside my curtained cell was more coherent now. I strained to listen to the noises filtering through the magenta walls of my cell.

"Oh, but honestly, Lily," said a soft voice. "It was sort of flattering that he made the password be--"

"He's a stalker, Marge." My heart leaped in my throat. I knew that voice! Had the extraterrestrials captured Lily as well?

Evans continued speaking. "Stalkers aren't trying to be flattering. He's creepy. I don't want him to like me."

Someone else spoke now, a third girl. She sounded a little younger than the two others. "Lils, we've heard you say this a thousand times!"

"Exactly," began another voice, calm and collected. "But what exactly are your motivations for calling him creepy? All of us, including myself, think that he's just really dedicated to his adoration of you."

"He's just, just---" Evans' voice faltered. "I can't stand how he's always talking about how much he likes me."

"So, you don't like a guy whose not afraid to show his emotions?" Asked a fourth girl.

"No, no, that's a great quality!" stammered Lily exasperatedly. She sounded annoyed now though it was hard to tell who her annoyance was directed towards.

"And what about his intelligence? You know he's second only to you in classes?"

"But, he doesn't, doesn't, um... Well, he's a prat, that's what!" Lily spat. I smiled to myself. If I could just escape from my flowered alien prison cell than I knew I would be able to make her see what a great guy I was. Her friends were doing a good enough job of it as it was. I must remember to thank them. If I could just remember their names. Let's see there's-- and--- Oh, damn. Whatever. I must remember to ask Remus who LIly hangs out with. He uses his brains for trivial things like that.

As my mind ran through these chaotic musings, Evan's friends were still talking to her.

"Lily, you're not presenting a very strong argument against Potter," laughed a girl. Possibly she was laughing at, um, me? I didn't know. It was so hard to determine what people meant when you couldn't see them. The tiny voice in my head that sounded like Remus was telling me that I was exceptionally dense.

Well, screw you Lupin.

I'm getting annoyed at my self-conscious? Now that's pathetic. Shh, listen to Evans.

"Well, it's just that you aren't listing any of his, his less tolerable qualities."

From beyond the flowery curtains came a sound of raucous laughter. "What?" Evans almost shouted. "What is so damn funny?"

"Less tolerable? Oh, Lily," gasped one of her friends, apparently breathless with laughter. "You've never said anything kinder about James Potter in your life. You do like him don't you?"

She what?

"I what?" Apparently Lily and I were on the same thought track. Just because she wasn't able to argue against any of my marvelous qualities doesn't mean that... Hey, wait! It does... Excellent!

Evans obviously hadn't caught up to my (unheard) reasoning. "But, that's rubbish! I don't like Potter! I could have argued you into the ground if you'd talked about his hilarious pranks or his daring Quidditch skills or his dashingly messy hair or his, his--" Evans stopped and let out a loud expletive. You know. The kind that you wouldn't want your mum to hear you saying.

"See what we mean?" One of her friends said. "You just admitted yourself that he's a funny, athletic, attractive guy. Just admit it! You. Like. Potter."

I crawled slowly and painfully out of my covers and began to jump and down on my bed. Lily Evans likes me! She does, she does! Ha! I always knew it!

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" I said happily from a top my hard my mattress. My hard work and naturally rugged and handsome looks had paid off! She liked me!

My celebrations were cut rudely short, however, when my curtains were yanked sharply away from around me to reveal a group of five teenage girls staring very intently at me as I balanced awkwardly on my bed. One of them (Evans) was glaring furiously at me.

"Mr. Potter!" A sharp voice said. "What on earth are you doing onto of your bed?"

I rotated slowly, my muscles still aching slightly. Madam Pomfrey stood in front of me holding a bottle of some undoubtedly vile medicine.

Wait. If Poppy was here than-- hold on. I hadn't been abducted by aliens. Unless... Well, I'd always had my suspicions about her. Her healing potions always tasted exactly like something that you'd expect a nasty three-headed tentacled beast from Neptune to brew.

I squinted warily at Madam Pomfrey, waiting for her to pull out a ray gun and vaporize me on the spot.

"Mr. Potter," she said sternly. "The hospital wing is no place for galavanting about." The hospital wing? Well, so much for being kidnapped by extraterrestrials.

I'd have to keep my eyes open, though, just in case. You could never know when a huge, bug-eyed mutant from Pluto is crawling up your back right NOW! Ha! Just kidding. But, still, just to be on the safe side, I pocketed my wand as I slowly sat back down onto my covers.

Forcing open my mouth, Poppy poured practically a liter of a thick, smoking potion down my throat. I gagged and a trickle dribbled out of the corner of my mouth.

"Oh, very attractive James," said Pomfrey with a sardonic smile.

"Only for you Poppy, dearest," I gasped out, winking roguishly at her.

She swatted a hand at me. "Just get back under your blankets, and be kind to your visitors." Visitors? Oh yeah. Evans and her friends. Evans?

Evans? What was that?

Oh right.

SHE LIKES ME! As soon as Poppy had disappeared back into her office I jumped onto my knees and began bouncing around the bed.

"Um, hi, Potter," said a bemused voice. Looking up I saw Lily's friend with long dirty blond hair staring down at me with a half smile on her pretty features. Not as pretty though as Lily. That's right, the Lily Evans who LIKES me!

And the same Lily who was now glaring down at me, her glistening green eyes shooting knives into me. The intensity and anger in her stare made me duck back under my blankets.

"Yikes, Evans. What's wrong?" I asked, once I was safely hidden under my flannel comforter. "You look like you're a bit peeved." I pulled the covers down just low enough to expose my handsome and grinning face. "I think that you might feel a bit better if we talked about what you're feeling right now." I winked dashingly at her. "Maybe we need to talk about your blossoming and heart wrenching attraction to a certain black-haired, hazel-eyed, Gryffindor Sixth Year, who happens to be an excellent Chaser. I have no idea who that might be, but--"

I was cut quite rudely off by Lily. "What, what? You heard that---" She glanced wildly at her friends who were staring at us with mixed expressions of mirth and anxiety. Lily ran her hand wildly through her beautiful auburn hair. She took a deep breath and exhaled it for several seconds.

"Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen seconds and still climbing. You know, you need to inhale sometime Evans. You won't be able to blow all the air out of your lungs. Besides," I paused and smiled kindly up at the beautiful girl who I loved, "you're stalling."

"Potter. James," Lily said calmly. At least she sounded calm. I could see her trembling as she spoke. Ah, poor dear. If only she knew how cute she was when she was nervous. "You must have been mistaken. I do not, have never, nor will ever, like you."

_James. _

_Yes, Lils?_

_Can I tell the next bit?_

_Sure. That's fine. Actually I needed a bit of a break. Do you know where there's some Tootsie Rolls? I feel the need to release a bit of my creative spirit._

_With Tootsie Rolls?_

_Sure. To mold into statues._

_Oh, man James. I have no idea why I like you so much, when you can be so strange sometimes._

_Hon, that's why you adore me! _

_Whatever..._

There. I'd said it. I'd told Potter that I didn't like him. My hands were shaking though, and my stomach was quivering as I watched James' face sink. I began to breath heavily. God. I couldn't lie to myself, but at least I could lie to James Potter. I couldn't love him right? Oh for goodness sake! I didn't like him in the slightest bit! So why were my cheeks flushing, and heart pumping wildly as continued to stand there, watching Potter rise out of his hospital bed.

He smiled at me. You know how sometimes when you get nervous, and your stomach feels like it's full of butterflies, well in my case, my insides were trembling as though they were made of tapioca. Ooo. Tapioca Pudding! That sounds so scrumptious! I really want some pudding!

Potter took a step towards me. I shook my head silently. "Evans, just admit it! I like, I mean, well, you said, it's just that, er---" He was rambling. I had to get away.

"Pudding," my trembling lips barely managed to get the two syllables out.

Potter stopped mumbling. "What? Sorry?"

I began to walk towards the door. "Uh, this is great and all, and I'm sure that we've made some great progress in our relationship, which is in fact nonexistent other than accidental and occasional spats of loud verbal communication, but I really need to be going. I have an important urging to fulfill. The call of pudding is to strong to resist, and I really must be getting along. So, er, farewell, and aloha, arrivederci, adios, and all that jazz."

I grasped the door knob and yanked it hard. It broke smartly in two large pieces. "Oh, bloody hell," I muttered. I pulled out my wand. "Alohomora!" The door creaked open.

"Wait!" Potter called. "Please don't go! Lily!"

I was heading down the hallway when I stopped. What? The pudding in my stomach was sloshing around again, making my blood rush and my head pound.

Lily?

Never had he called me by my name. Not once ever. How, how, how dare he! My name was soiled by his dirty, loser, gorgeous lips. I had to redeem my honor! Turning around sharply I marched back into the hospital wing. James Potter my number one enemy who I hated so much that I adored him. No! Not that last part! My nemesis whom I loathed was sitting morosely on top of his bed.

"Lily," said Katherine in surprise. "What--" I strode past her.

"Potter," I spat. "Don't you dare, don't you dare call me, um, call me--" James had stood up. I was trembling all over. Words were failing me. I had to do something. I reached my hand up to smack his stupid, ugly, attractive face.

"Lily," croaked Potter in a small voice.

I lowered my hand and snapped at him "What?"

"I love you."

I have never liked melodramatic stories. The idea of a girl swooning beautifully over a handsome man as they profess their undying affection towards each other has always made me sick. Uck! I choke on all that fluff! I can't stand girls who start giggling every time some idiotic guy comes near them. Romance for me has nothing to do being swept off my feet by a knight in shinning armor. And let me make one thing clear. I do not faint. It is ridiculous for a girl to pass out at the sight or words of a guy. Plus, I'm sure it's unhealthy.

All I wanted was to leave Potter and get some damn pudding. Which is why I was so surprised to find myself falling onto the floor at James' sudden declaration.

It must have been from hunger due to my ravenous pudding cravings. It must have. I did not like James Potter.

Or did I? As I sank deeper into oblivion, my mind was whirling with one thought.

Pudding or Potter? Pudding or Potter... Pudding or... And then I felt my head slam into the floor and I knew nothing else.

_Whoa, James, what the hell are you doing?_

_Hey, Padfoot. I'm working on my latest Tootsie Roll creation. I call it, Elephants Being Attacked By a TuTu Wearing Slime Monster._

_Looks good. Oh, hey Lily!_

_Greetings Sirius. You know, James, I don't really know why I was so resistant against the idea of liking you. I mean, what girl wouldn't want a man who can create a slime monster out of Tootsie Rolls..._

**A/N:** Hi everybody! Sorry I haven't updated in so long, but this summer has been crazy! I know this chapter is shorter than normal, and it's not my best, but I do hope that you enjoy it!


	13. A Plethora of Lemon Drops

**Disclaimer: **This is the property of no one else, but the lovely and talented Jo Rowling.

**A/N:** Oh, just wait till you read this chapter! I'm so excited! But my excitement is cancelled out by my shame over being so late in finally getting around to writing this….

**Chapter 13**

**A Plethora of Lemon Drops**

"James! James! Oh, man! You fell through the lake?"

Boys. Several of them. Jumping over me. Shouting excitedly. And my head hurt so bad...

"How's ol' squidy? Did ya say hi to her for us?"

"Was it pretty freaking cold?"

"Must've been bloody brilliant!"

"Next time you go grab some of that sludge from the bottom. It'd be perfect to hex into Snivelly's hair!"

Typical boys.

They moan all the time about wanting to impress girls, and showing them how wonderful they are, but when a girl (in this case me, Lily Harriet Evans) actually needs assistance, all they care about is rubbing pond scum in the hair of an unpopular student.

Meanwhile, as the loud teenage cretins continued to yell exuberantly, I was shocked to find myself lying on the floor of the hospital wing. Apparently I had suffered a minor blackout due to a lack of Potter. Now if I could just sit up, or at least gain some assistance I would be---

Wait.

Lack of Potter?

No, no, no, no! This was all wrong. The completely, totally, unconditionally last thing that should be my first waking thought after passing out, was James Potter.

True, I had been in the process of running away from him when my consciousness left me, so there were undoubtedly some residual cranial fragments floating around in my mind concerning Potter, but they all involved wiping Potter's perfect nonchalant smile off his annoyingly charming face, and, and, and...

Blast everything!

I was supposed to be showing professional disdain and pity towards to boy, not swooning attraction!

And another thing!

I'd gone to the hospital wing with all five of my best friends, yet apparently none of them had noticed that I was lying on the floor most likely with a huge debilitating concussion that was going to cause a brain aneurysm which would result in the incapacitation of my entire nervous system creating a weakening of my internal organs, which in turn would shut down every bodily function including breathing and/or my circulatory system, leaving me in a vegetative state in which my life would slowly drip away until, alone, friendless, and barely conscious I died in some hideously hygienic room in St. Mungo's having spent 43 years of my life with no other company than the Mimbulus Mimbletonia potted next to my bed, all due to the lack of response that my supposed friends gave when I collapsed from hunger and confused hormones...

Woe is me. To die so young, so unloved, so...

"Lily?" Ah, not forgotten after all. Perhaps this unknown voice would be my solitary visitor, my single solace and comfort over the next forty-plus years as I lay rotting, institutionalized, broken and bereft after too little tapioca, and too much James.

"Are you okay?" Continued my lone friend, my sole stalwart pillar of kindness in the harsh, unforgiving world.

Cautiously I opened my left eye a crack, surprised to not find my body wracked with pain at even that tiniest amount of movement. Perhaps there was hope after all. But just a smidgeon. Not a lot. I was still most likely doomed. Of course.

There was a blurry figure standing over me. A tall blurry figure. A tall blurry figure with large hazel eyes. A tall blurry figure with large hazel eyes which were filled with concern, and, I'm sure, half-concealed mirth.

Tall?

Hazel eyes?

Blurry?

I groaned. The last person in the world I wanted to see before I died, and he was laughing down at me.

_Lillers?_

_Yes, my Jamesie-poo?_

_Yuck! That's disgusting! Do you have to refer to each other in those disgustingly cutesy names?_

_Yep. _

_Gross! Uck, you two are so, so, _

_Mature?_

_In love?_

_Adult-like? Oh, wait. Huh. That's 'cause we are adults. Hmm. Funny how that happens._

_Oh, ha, ha, Lily. So hilarious. Padfoot, just ask her your question and move on with the story. I'm simply dying to know what happens next!_

_But, Sirius, weren't you there in the hospital wing with us?_

_Lily! That's besides the point! Just keep talking! _

_It's all right Lily, I'll talk a little for now._

_Oh, thanks so much Jamie-Love._

_Anything for-- Sirius wipe that look off your face. Right now. Don't give me that look. You know what look I mean. The one that looks like you're being forced to watch someone disembowel themselves, then steal candy from a baby. Sorry, Lily-sweetheart where were--Lils? Wait! Where are you--- What are you talking about? Completely ruined the... what? The moment? Huh? _

_Women._

_Yeah. Wait no. No. I don't agree with that. Do you hear me Lily? I DON'T AGREE WITH SIRIUS! ON ANYTHING! Well, except for maybe that marshmallow fluff and blueberry jam sandwiches are heaven on earth. But, but... REALLY! I LOVE YOU! Just as much as I did back then. Maybe more..._

The moment that Lily had dropped to the ground, the teal-paisley walls of the hospital wing had begun to spin around me. Was she hurt? Was she ill? Was she unable to cope with my awesome and overpowering good looks and stunning intellect and was thus overcome by her fiery emotional passion?

Had to be that last one.

I was about to lurch forward lamenting my lovely Lily as she lay limp on the lime linoleum, but found myself at that moment distracted by a bad case of repugnant alliteration and the arrival of my fellow Marauders.

Sirius, Moony and Peter bounced excitedly around me, apparently impressed by my semi-suicidal fall through six-inch thick ice, into negative-twenty degree ice water.

Well, I did have to agree with them. It was pretty cool how I had managed to drag myself forcibly from the grasp of the thirty merpeople attempting to wrestle me down to my watery and frozen grave. And I suppose that it had been rather daring when I'd miraculous resuscitated myself using half a straw and some old Drooble's gum wrappers.

No, hold on. That's not what happened.

Or was it?

No, that was the version that I was going to use if any of the snot-nosed first years asked me how my day had been. Of course, they thought that was pretty much what a typical day was like for me, so they might not be unduly impressed, but at least they were gullible enough that...

_James Potter! I do not remember allowing you to use this time as an opportunity to elaborate on the naivety of eleven year olds! Now continue with your perspective properly or, or, you may not continue! You may have forgotten, but we are writing this for our SON!_

_Sheesh! Sorry! Don't be so uptight! _

_Ahem._

_Okay, okay. Sorry. I'll never do it again. But you have to think that Harry won't be the paragon of virtue himself. Not if he's anything like his father, and I'll drown myself if he isn't._

_As ineffective as drowning yourself would be, my love, I would rather hope that our boy had inherited some of my gentler nature, but I'll give you points for using a word like paragon. Do you know what it means?_

_Um, of **course** I do, Mrs. Potter…_

Lily had saved my life and now I was just watching her lie motionless on the floor? And, why wasn't Madam Pomfrey helping Lily? Wasn't she in charge of the wellbeing of Hogwarts' entire population?

I looked behind me. Poppy was harping on one of Lily's friends about the psychological and physical harm of applying too much mascara; something about the failure of her pancreas and loss of control of her left pinky? So much for Britain's Superb Magical Healer Program, "Watching Over, and Fixing Up The Magical United Kingdom," or whatever the bloody tripe was that Poppy was always banging on about.

"Thank you all so much for your very kind assistance in helping me to recover and rise from my rather nasty and indubitably harmful fall. Your generosity and kindness of spirit are supremely overwhelming."

I spun quickly to face Evans, tripping ungracefully on my oversized wool socks.

"You're alive!" I stammered. So perhaps my stunning intelligence and mind-boggling good looks weren't as potent as I had assumed. I made a mental note to practice harder. I've heard that Sleekeazy Hair Potion was supposed to do wonders to one's physical attractiveness. Although that would probably disappoint the fan girls, since I am known for my roguishly sexy windswept hair.

"And I would hate to upset the fan girls. There's just no stopping them if they're displeased."

"What an astute comment, James," said Lily brusquely.

"Huh? Oh, well I know it is a little obvious that you're alive, and it's a rather cliché phrase, but I thought that it was fitting for the situation given how worried I was for you and how much I really, really li—"

"While your concern is appreciated, I was referring to your entirely random comment on the delicate internal emotional balance of---fan girls." Lily smirked at me.

She walked over to a chair in the room and picked up her book-bag and gesturing to her friends with one hand.

"I do hope that you recover in time to please the _fan girls_, James. We wouldn't want to make them cry, now would we?" Lily said icily, heading for the door. Her youngest friend uttered what sounded awfully close to a guffaw.

"Excuse me?" I spat angrily. This was more than I could take. In one day I'd listened to Lily scream at me in front of all of the other interim staff members; fallen through a lake; been given C.P.R. by the girl of my dreams; almost been abducted by aliens; and now she was ragging on me about my fan girls?

Why did I even bother with her?

But that was a stupid question and I knew it. She was irresistibly different from even my most unique admirer, not mention funny, kind, smart… The list went on and on. And yet she vexed me more than anyone I had ever known.

Damn hormones.

Striding quickly to my hospital bed I jumped on top of it and stared furiously down at Evans. I slipped on the mauve and brown striped comforter, landing uncomfortably on my side.

Without thinking I jumped up quickly, only to leap up so high that in my haste, I slammed my head into the ceiling.

"Aw, shit!" I shouted, bouncing around on the bed, holding my head in my hands as tiny flecks of plaster showered down around my head, like some sort of bizarre snowstorm, or a bad case of dandruff.

Then I remembered where I was, and who was watching.

I straightened up. "Hey, baby," I said suavely to Lily. "I'm still really pissed at you." I shot her my patented I-Hate-You-Because-You're-So-Darn-Infuriating-But-Still-Really-Hot look. You know the one. It's the look that says _I Hate You Because You're So Darn Infuriating But Still Really Hot_ with one wiggle of an eyebrow.

I prepared to open my mouth and scream at Lily that just because I was handsome and dashing and swashbuckling and popular with the ladies, she had no reason to mock me, when I felt a tug on my pant leg.

Wormtail was standing next to my bed, grinning cheerfully up at me. "James, I just wanted to tell you that I think that last move really impressed Evans. Look how much she's smiling at you!"

I turned swiftly. Could it be? My ungraceful plummet had caused my Lily-pumpkin, sweetie-dumpling to shine her angelic and gloriously radiant smile at me?

I have never seen someone laughing so hard. Her cheeks were bright red and her head was thrown back in peals of mirth. The clear green eyes that I adored were closed as she shook her hands in the air, dancing around in apparent glee over my stupidity. I shot Wormtail a glance of utter loathing, but he might have missed it, seeing as he was so busy retying his shoelace at the moment.

"Lily Evans you are the biggest loser I have ever met!" I yelled loudly.

"Mr. Potter, there is no need for that type of behavior!" Said Madam Pomfrey uncomfortably, clearly torn between her desire to continue to reprehend Evan's friend for being so un-health conscious as to wear eye makeup, and her imagined need for maintaining complete order in the infirmary.

"Oh, what a truly terrific insult, Potter," screamed back Lily, her iridescent eyes now snapping with anger.

"All I've ever wanted is for you to like me as I much as I love you, Evans! Is that so hard to ask?"

The other Marauders and Lily's quartet of friends were ever so slowly inching their way towards the door, but I had more important things to do then worry about traitor friends. I had a girl to scream manfully at.

Lily stared hard at me, clenching and unclenching her white-knuckled hands. "Well, yes, maybe it is!"

"I'm not that bad! It's you that's got the problems, you stuck up, conceited, know-it-all, bratty—"

"Um, 'scuse me? I got a message for Professors Evans and Potter?"

The entire room went silent. If someone had been idiotic enough to want to drop a pin at that moment, we would have heard its tiny metallic tinkle when it reached the floor.

Evans and I turned to look at the timid second year, her pigtails quivering around her peaky face as she stared nervously at us.

Lily flounced over to the girl. "I'm, er, Professor Evans. What can I do for you? It's Ivy, isn't it?"

The pig-tailed girl nodded tremulously. I saw her shoot me a frightened glance in my direction.

"Ah, yes, and that charming gentleman is unfortunately Professor Potter," Evans swept me a glance of disgust, apprehension, and faintly---confusion?

"I'm to tell you, that," The little girl placed her hand on her forehead, clearly desperate to remember the rest of the message. These darn little kids. It's like they're **intimidated** by the older students, or something. It's not as if we were three years older than them, or about twice their height, or supremely awesome and magnificent. Well, maybe that last part. But, just a little.

I cleared my throat. "Where are we to go?" I asked. The little girl looked at me gratefully.

Oh, yes! Score for Professor Potter! No one can ever resist the ol' Potter charm. Plus it's a great motivator. Everyone always remembers what they've forgotten with one flash of my charming smile.

_Ooo. That **wasn't **arrogant._

_Of course not. Just like that **wasn't** sarcasm._

_Of course._

_Well, maybe. But, I am pretty good looking…_

Man, I could make a fortune on my ability to cure forgetfulness simply by looking at someone the right way. But, that's for another day…

Meanwhile little Ivy was speaking again. "I'm supposed to tell you that the Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress, I guess, is, is that you?" Evans and I nodded at the same time, she sending me a look of loathing as we did so, while I smiled at her dashingly. "Well, you're required immediately in the Great Hall to tend to a horrible crisis."

Lily and I had sprinted to the door before the girl had even finished nervously speaking. Remembering Evans' prior difficulty with opening the door, I blasted the hospital wing door as we reached it, quickening my pace as we dashed into the darkening halls of Hogwarts.

We sprinted silently through the halls and then hurtled down the marble staircase, our wands withdrawn, too concerned for the safety of our school to be angry at each other.

As it turned out, it was little matter for anxiety, only a dispute over how to change the dormitory passwords between two seventeen-year old teachers. Why Dumbledore ever thought that teenagers would be able to come up rational decisions concerning personal opinion and safety was beyond me! Not that I was complaining. My job that week was more to do with protecting the Headmaster's supply of Droobles' Best Blowing Gum, than anything else.

When we arrived, a tall blond girl who was teaching Muggle Studies was standing in the center of the Great Hall in tears as she insisted that it was not silly to make the Ravenclaw password "Hugs Make You Happy," to the plump boy with spiky brown hair who was playing janitor for us that week.

"Don't call it ridiculous! It's supposed to invoke feelings of friendship and happiness, and you know, that's so mean that you---" I let Evans sort it out. When it came to diplomacy, she ruled supreme.

As long as the diplomacy wasn't between us two, because when that was needed, she was worse than a provoked Bowtruckle in need of some fresh fairy eggs.

The rest of the evening passed quickly. After settling the dispute by creating the password herself, Lily and I each retired to our separate offices; she to grade Transfiguration papers, I to contemplate if I needed to use the Invisibility cloak to sneak into Hogsmeade while I was acting Headmaster, or if I had free roam and would be welcomed into the Hog's Head with open arms and calls of "A pint of your finest Firewhiskey for this young man! On me!"

I was praying it was the latter.

The morning found me with a pounding headache after drinking copious amounts of Butterbeer down at the Three Broomsticks, where unfortunately I was not given Firewhiskey or offered any free drinks, but did gain several sassy, yet attractive glances from the new barmaid, Rosmerta.

That day passed uneventfully, with little more than a hippogriff escaping from its pen. It only caused a trifling, unimportant situation by running rampage throughout the grounds refusing to be caught for thirteen hours creating the most dreadful damage to Hagrid's winter cabbage crop.

I did my best to ignore Evans that day, even gracefully offering to continue Captaining Quidditch. It was a big sacrifice, but someone had to make it. And if I happened to like flying around at top speeds at twilight in the bitter cold, showing off my amazing Chasing skills for my adoring public, well I guess that I had lucked out.

Having worked so hard to be a professionally distant Headmaster all day (in other words, dodging around corners when I saw Evans, and immediately going up to the nearest third year and giving them a pack of Dungbombs to set outside the office of the illustrious Potions master), I was shocked to see Lily Evans, at promptly eight o'clock that evening, stepping smartly through the door into my office.

_Ooo! Ooo! My turn! My turn!_

_Why?_

_Because… I want to? I'm your wife. What other reason do you need?_

_Oh. That's fine. I'll just go and get some blueberry jam._

_And marshmallow fluff?_

_How'd you know?_

_I've known you for a long time. Enjoy your sandwich…_

"I have to go see Potter," I said to Katherine the Wednesday night of take-over week, having just finished wrestling a 456-pound hippogriff in a three-foot deep mound of snow.

"Eew, why?" Kat asked, turning around from the window, where she had been watching even more glistening flakes of snow bury Hagrid's hut and the greenhouses.

"Because," I said, brushing my hair in front of the ornate mirror currently residing in the tiny bedroom off my office. "It's our job as Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress to communicate on the running of this school and to make sure that the proper procedures are being followed. How do I look?" I turned in a slow circle for Katherine.

"Uh, you look great. Have fun seducing Potter." Katherine giggled and dashed towards the door of my office as I threw a hairbrush at her.

"I'm not attempting to have any relationship with that young man, other than one of a purely professional nature. I may hate his guts, and our current association may have forced us together in very unfortunate manner, but I still have to recognize my intellectual superiority, and act as though I care."

I paused. No, that didn't come out right. I don't care about Potter. I mean, not THAT way. Yuck, gross!

He's so, so stupid! I mean, did you see the way he fell on the hospital wing last night? Clearly, he's not right in the head.

"Oh, lord, she's in love," laughed Katherine, jerking me from my reverie obviously misinterpreting my immediate silence after mentioning Potter as a deep heartfelt, burning desire for him and his glorious body.

Obviously that was not the case at all.

"What? No! I'm not! I was just contemplating how much I hate his guts! Merlin, get it straight Kat!" I picked some folders and marched out of the door. "I have a total legitimate and non-romantic reason to confer with the Headmaster. I think," I added in an undertone as I headed into the hallway.

The truth was that although Potter was an awful git and infuriated me terribly, he honestly wasn't that bad. He just happened to be stunningly handsome, but increasingly arrogant, yet very intelligent, only quite, quite, something else negative about him that I couldn't recall at the moment, but would undoubtedly come to me soon.

I arrived at the Headmaster's office undeniably flustered. But, by the time I had disgustedly proclaimed, "I love Lily Evans," my fury and forced pity towards that boy had been kindled anew. A little.

As I stepped through the doorway into Potter's office, I composed my tumultuous emotions into a calm smile.

"Evening, Headmaster."

James had jumped to his feet on my entrance. Now, staring slightly agog at me, he slowly shut his mouth and ran his fingers nervously through his hair.

"Er, professor, this is a, um, surprise. What can—is there something—how—I hope that—Did you, um, need something?"

"Well, yes. Headmaster, I was hoping that we could ice skate for two hours on the lake then make out forcibly on top of your desk." I sweetened my smile, but my eyes remained cold.

Behind Potter, the portraits of the former Headmaster and Headmistresses smiled down at me from their guilt frames, winking in amusement over the look of shock and joy that had appeared on Potter's face.

"That, Headmaster, sir, is a form of humor referred to as sarcasm," I said quickly, in case he tried to take me up on the suggestion. Can we talk about how the week has progressed thus far?" Potter's face sank noticeably, but was replaced almost instantaneously by his usual look of cheeky carelessness.

Former Headmaster Dippet snickered. I repressed a giggle myself. It was almost enjoyable making Potter squirm. Almost. But not quite.

Flashing me his broadest smirk, James said quickly, "Of course, Evans. Lemon drop?" He handed me a large tin of candy. As I reached my hand out, he spilled its entire contents of sticky yellow candies onto the floor.

"Oh, that was very mature," I said sharply, but took a deep breath. Concentrate Lily. You are the ultimately superior being. Concentrate. Ignore his devilishly handsome smile. "Did you know," I said kindly to James, "that in many cultures pouring lemon drops onto the ground before a woman's feet is considered the supreme compliment? Thank you so much, Headmaster. What a thoughtful gesture." I stood up, smiling dangerously.

I waved my wand gracefully. The fallen lemon drops flew into the air, rearranging into a very rude hand gesture.

James blinked. "Well, did you know, that in many cultures enchanting lemon drops is considered the most sinful crime imaginable, punishable with seventy-nine years and 48 days imprisonment in a vat of overcooked asparagus?"

I grabbed a second jar of lemon drops from the desk and in one swift motion opened the lid and dumped the entire contents onto Potter's messy hair. Without drawing a breath, I slammed some papers onto the desk from out of my bag.

"And how do you feel, Headmaster, about the recapture of the escaped hippogriff?" I asked, sitting down again and gesticulating forcibly at the eighteen alphabetical diagrams depicting the creature's escape and capture.

"Oh," exclaimed Potter, pulling a drawer open and grabbing a cloth bag. "I—" He drew out a lemon drop and threw it at my face. "Think—" another lemon drop. "That—" a third lemon drop hit me squarely in the chin. I smiled serenely up at him. "It was truly masterfully—" one, two, three, ouch, four lemon drops, all aimed at my left ear. "Handled!!" He flung the entire remaining bag in my face, which stuck to my cheeks and forehead like so many sticky yellow pimples. "My compliments."

"Headmaster, it always my pleasure to, to—" I stood up and began rummaging around Dumbledore's shelves. Not by the Phoenix, nothing underneath his desk, shoot! There must be more somewhere!

"Here." James tossed me a large wooden box labeled **Al's Luscious Lemon Sweeties**.

"Thanks," I replied, grabbing the box viciously. Within three seconds the lemon drops had been artfully rearranged into a remarkable facsimile of Potter's moronic, yet somehow appealing facial features. I then proceeded to take off my left show and hit my lemon drop sculpture repeatedly with the heel, so that at each point of collision, six or seven candies broke off and landed neatly on James' arms, until his appendages were sagging from the weight of the numerous sweets.

Swiftly, my rival grabbed my shoe out of my hand and forced an entire bag of lemon drops into it, shaking the candy off his arms as he did so. In one deft motion he melted the sticky mass with a flick of his wand, while at the same time, tossing it onto my head where it stuck fast with a resounding squelch.

I stood up, as did Potter. I saw his eyes flick towards the far corner behind me.

Turning quickly, I saw a barrel almost six feet high, with the words **Albus's Private Stash** engraved in large flowing purple script on one side.

I lunged for it, but at the same time, Potter leaped over his desk, and tackled me, grabbing me around the ankles. With a massive effort I kicked him hard in the shoulder and, putting my head down, sprinted the remaining six feet and wrenched the lid off.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" I heard Potter call. The barrel rose up to the ceiling, floating ominously over our heads. It hung motionless and foreboding above us, until I flicked my wand twice, and the barrel slowly tipped itself over, dumping its entire contents on---

_Lily?_

_I thought you were eating your marshmallow fluff and blueberry jam sandwiches with Sirius._

_Yeah, but you're at a good part! Oh, please can I tell some?_

_Yeah, Lils, let Prongs tell a bit! Or at least let me talk for a little while!_

_NO!!!!! FINE! James, you may speak!_

_Thanks, mate! Works every time!_

_Wait, you set me up? What an outrage!_

_Well, maybe, but it's too late now…_

With a barely perceptible creak of ancient timber, the barrel up-righted itself, releasing a cascade of lemon drops. Lily and I stood, our shoulders shrugged against the powerful rain of hard candies that was pouring down upon us. The many silver, spinning objects around Dumbledore's office broke with loud ringing crashes, as the impact of the many lemon sweets pounded the room. The bookshelves creaked and groaned under the weight of the mounting piles of candy and Dumbledore's phoenix, Fawkes fluttered disgustedly into another room.

I glanced over at Evans. She was holding her book bag over her head in an attempt to protect herself from the immense rush from above, but was continually shuffling on top of the deepening drifts of yellow candy in an attempt to not be buried under the harsh wave of falling lemon drops. My Lily was in danger? This would never do.

Ripping a curtain off the window, I swung it quickly around a small torch stand on the opposite wall. Taking a quick breath, I swung out across the vast expanse of lemon drops, grabbing for Evans' waist as I passed her.

Unfortunately, the torch holder couldn't support our combined weight, and we fell rather ungracefully into the hard sticky pool of lemon drops, just as the last few pieces of candy tipped from the barrel.

I landed forcibly on top of Lily, and as she struggled to climb out from underneath, her wand arm twitched, accidentally waving her wand so that the barrel was released from the air, and dropped it straight in the midst of the sea of lemon drops. The tidal wave that erupted from its sticky splash plastered the walls and ceiling in lemon drops, while also burying me and Lily deep under thousands of lemon drops.

Being buried alive in a cataclysmic flood of lemon drops was not very high on my list of ways to die (actually it ranks just above last place, which would be having every follicle of hair yanked from my body by a crocodile), so unsurprisingly I fought my way quickly out of the suffocating mound of candy pressing in all around me which was disorienting me with its harsh yellow tint.

When I finally reached the surface, I was surprised to see Lily already sitting atop a large hillock of lemon drops, gazing at me in a stern yet undeniably consternated manner.

"James Potter!" She shrieked, her eyes flashing brightly, as she tossed her long hair behind her back, pausing only momentarily to un-stick her lemon drop-glued shoe from her head. She attempted to rise, but began almost immediately to sink back down into the pit of lemon drops.

"Yes, that would be the name under which I currently reside," I responded blithely. After all, you can't angry with someone after you've just been doused in lemon drops with. It's sort of a survivor's syndrome. You know, we'd been through a horrendous and painful experience together, so we have to draw closer together.

"I hate you so much!" Screamed Lily. Ah well, so much for the bonding idea. "You are the most moronic, inhuman, revolting," she paused, clearly perusing her brain for more insults to fling at me.

"Despicable?" I suggested.

"Exactly!" She was wringing her hands now in evident distress. I tried to back away from the angry, yet beautiful and intelligent raving beast, but soon found that movement was difficult when surrounded by four and a half feet of lemon drops.

"You are so despicable!" Lily continued. "You are utterly the most horribly despicable person ever in the entire history of instant Jello! You're so despicable because, because---"

I sighed wearily. "Not because I'm unbelievably gorgeous, or hilariously witty, right?" My shoulders sagged. Her _I-Hate-You-So-Much-Because-I-Said-So-Gosh-Darn-It_ routine was so predictable, yet still always discouraging. Was I doomed to a life of being desperately in love with a lunatic? With some effort I pulled myself together and grinned cockily at her. "Nah, I couldn't be despicable because you hate me? Now, where would I ever get that idea?"

Lily let out a plaintive wail, running lemon drop-encrusted fingers through her glorious hair. "No," she moaned. "You're despicable because---" she took a deep breath, trembling through her rage and swiftly falling tears. "You're despicable because—" For the first time in our lives, she looked straight into my eyes as she said, almost in self-disgust, "Because I love you."

Well, there are few responses to a phrase like that. My only options really were to a) fall over and faint in surprise, shock and heart failure, b) pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming, c) attempted to careen wildly about the piles of lemon drops doing my best impression of a moose on a pair of cross-country skis as I leaped in a victory dance, or d) kiss Lily Evans.

Okay, obviously, I'm not stupid. I knew which was the best option. So, after I'd finished my wild caribou-like victory dance, I tramped softly through the drifts of yellow candy to where Lily sat staring at me, all emotion drained from her face.

I bent down to meet her upturned, tear-stained face and---

_Hold it! Hold it!_

_AAAGGHH! Sirius! Are you aware that you are perhaps the world's only person to posses the most impeccably horrendous sense of appropriate timing?_

_Uh, it is a fact that I pride myself on, Lily._

_Great. Glad that you know it, Padfoot. Now, could I just finish going over the most important moment of my life, apart from the whole getting into Hogwarts, being born, or cutting my hair from that hideous mullet?_

_Fine, fine James. Just, cut down on all the fluff, 'kay? There's only so much gooiness that I can handle, and I prefer most of it to be smeared between two pieces of bread, spread thickly next to blueberry jam. _

_Thanks old, pal. Don't worry. I'll be as to the point as possible…_

Without any fireworks, or soaring violins, or even any stupid people wearing berets and leaning off the Eiffel Tower, just standing in a chest-deep pile of Professor Dumbledore's private stock of candy, I, James Potter, kissed Lily Evans.

**A/N: **AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! After thirteen chapters, we finally have a kiss!!!! Yay!!!! It was unexpected, but not entirely, I think. I kind of feel as though all of Lily's confused emotions towards James have just been building and building so far, and all she needed was one final straw, or in this case lemon drop, to get her to admit what we've all known for a while.

I know that this chapter has been horribly, horribly inexcusably late, but hopefully those last six words, as well as the 5, 000+ others that I've included in this chapter have made the wait bearable. Although I really have no idea where I want the story to go from here, I have no intention of stopping it soon, so stay tuned for the next chapter.


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